> By Rob Breszny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to my astrological analysis, you would benefit profoundly from taking a ride in a jet fighter plane 70,000 feet above the earth. In fact, I think you really need to experience weightlessness as you soar faster than the speed of sound. Luckily, there’s an organization, MiGFlug (migflug.com), that can provide you with this healing thrill. (I just hope you can afford the $18,000 price tag.) APRIL FOOL! I do in fact think you should treat yourself to unprecedented thrills and transcendent adventures. But I bet you can accomplish that without being quite so extravagant.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “People only get really interesting when they start to rattle the bars of their cages,” says philosopher Alain de Botton. If that’s true, Taurus, you must be on the verge of becoming very interesting. Metaphorically speaking, you’re not just rattling the bars of your cage. You’re also smacking your tin cup against the bars and trying to saw through them with your plastic knife. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You’re not literally in a prison cell. And I got a bit carried away with the metaphor. But there is a grain of truth to what I said. You are getting close to breaking free of at least some of your mind-forged manacles. And it’s making you more attractive and intriguing.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If I had to decide what natural phenomenon you most closely resemble right now, I’d consider comparing you to a warm, restless breeze or a busily playful dolphin. But my first choice would be the mushrooms known as *Schizophyllum commune.* They’re highly adaptable: able to go dormant when the weather’s dry and spring to life when rain comes. They really get around, too, making their homes on every continent except Antarctica. But the main reason I’d link you with them is that they come in over 28,000 different sexes. Their versatility is unprecedented. APRIL FOOL! I exaggerated a bit. It’s true that these days you’re polymorphous and multifaceted and well-rounded. But you’re probably not capable of expressing 28,000 varieties of anything.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): “Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting,” warns Japanese novelist Haruki Murakami. If that’s true, why bother? Why expend all your precious yearning if the net result won’t even satisfy your yearning?! That’s why I advise you to ABANDON YOUR BELOVED PLANS! Save your energy for trivial wishes. That way you won’t be disappointed when they are fulfilled in unanticipated ways. APRIL FOOL! I was messing with you. It’s true that what you want won’t arrive in the form you’re expecting. But I bet the result will be even better than what you expected.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You’re due to make a pilgrimage, aren’t you? It might be time to shave your head, sell your possessions, and head out on a long trek to a holy place where you can get back in touch with what the hell you’re doing here on this planet. APRIL FOOL! I was kidding about the head-shaving and possessions-dumping. On the other hand, there might be value in embarking on a less melodramatic pilgrimage. I think you’re ready to seek radical bliss of a higher order — and get back in touch with what the hell you’re doing here on this planet.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Are you ready to fight the monster? Do you have the courage and strength and stamina and guile to overcome the ugly beast that’s blocking the path to the treasure? If not, turn around and head back to your comfort zone until you’re better prepared. APRIL FOOL! I lied. There is a monster, but it’s not the literal embodiment of a beastly adversary. Rather, it’s inside you. It’s an unripe part of yourself that needs to be taught and tamed and cared for. Until you develop a better relationship with it, it will just keep testing you. (P.S. Now would be a good time to develop a better relationship with it.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your advice for the near future comes from poet Stephen Dunn. “If the Devil sits down,” he says, “offer companionship, tell her you’ve always admired her magnificent, false moves.” I think that’s an excellent plan, Libra! Maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to make the acquaintance of many different devils with a wide variety of magnificent, false moves. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, I think you should avoid contact with all devils, no matter how enticing they might be. Now is a key time to surround yourself with positive influences.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In 1841, a British medical journal prescribed the following remedy for the common cold: “Nail a hat on the wall near the foot of your bed, then retire to that bed, and drink spirits until you see two hats.” My expert astrological analysis reveals that this treatment is likely to cure not just the sniffles, but also any other discomforts you’re suffering from, whether physical or emotional or spiritual. So I hope you own a hat, hammer, and nails. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The method I suggested probably won’t help alleviate what ails you. But here’s a strategy that might: Get rid of anything that’s superfluous, rotten, outdated, or burdensome.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To begin your oracle, I’ll borrow the words of author Ray Bradbury: “May you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days, and out of that love, remake a world.” I have reason to believe that this optimistic projection has a good chance of coming true for you. Imagine it, Sagittarius: daily swoons of delight and rapture from now until the year 2071. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. It would be foolish to predict that you’ll be giddy with amorous feelings nonstop for the next 54 years and 10 months. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s unrealistic for you to expect a lot of that sweet stuff over the course of the next three weeks.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “I am tired of being brave,” groaned Anne Sexton in one of her poems. “I’m sick of following my dreams,” moaned comedian Mitch Hedberg, adding, “I’m just going to ask my dreams where they’re going and hook up with them later.” In my opinion, Capricorn, you have every right to unleash grumbles similar to Hedberg’s and Sexton’s. APRIL FOOL! The advice I just gave you is only half-correct. It’s true that you need and deserve a respite from your earnest struggles. Now is indeed a good time to take a break so you can recharge your spiritual batteries. But don’t you dare feel sorry for yourself.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In 1991, hikers in the Italian Alps discovered the well-preserved corpse of a Bronze Age hunter. Buried in the frigid terrain, the man who came to be known as Otzi the Iceman had been there for 5,000 years. Soon the museum that claimed his body began receiving inquiries from women who wanted to be impregnated with Otzi’s sperm. I think this is an apt metaphor for you, Aquarius. Consider the possibility that you might benefit from being fertilized by an influence from long ago. APRIL FOOL! I was just messing with you. It’s true you can generate good mojo by engaging with inspirational influences from the past. But I’d never urge you to be guided by a vulgar metaphor related to Otzi’s sperm.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Caligula was an eccentric Roman emperor who had a physical resemblance to a goat. He was sensitive about it. That’s why he made it illegal for anyone to refer to goats in his company. I mention this, Pisces, because I’d like to propose a list of words you should forbid to be used in your presence during the coming weeks: “money,” “cash,” “finances,” “loot,” “savings,” or “investments.” Why? Because I’m afraid it would be distracting, even confusing or embarrassing, for you to think about these sore subjects right now. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, now is a perfect time for you to be focused on getting richer quicker.
HOMEWORK: What conditions would you need to feel like you were living in paradise? Testify: Truthrooster@gmail.com.