Gemini (May 21-June 20) “Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now,” said novelist Doris Lessing. “The conditions are always impossible.” I hope you take her advice to heart, Gemini. In my astrological opinion, there is no good excuse for you to postpone your gratification or to procrastinate about moving to the next stage of a big dream. It’s senseless to tell yourself that you will finally get serious as soon as all the circumstances are perfect. Perfection does not and will never exist. The future is now. You’re as ready as you will ever be.
Born in Sweden, she gave up a career as a trained electrician to come to the United States to pursue her goal of looking “like a cartoon character” — which she has surely achieved with her now-16-inch waist. [WRTV (Indianapolis), 5-19-2016]
Among her complaints: “turning pale” in the “harsh light”; lack of “Guerlain’s moisturizer”; inability to look at herself for months (because glass mirrors are prohibited); and “worrying” about being hit on by “lesbians” (thus causing “wrinkles”).
Eva Tiamat Medusa, 55, of the Phoenix area, has almost completed her journey (she calls it “transspecieism”) to become a “mythical beast” — like a dragon video-game character — through purposeful facial scarring, surgical implants and even removal of both ears.
Yet Another Way to Tell If You’re DUI: Maryann Christy, 54, was arrested in Roselle, Illinois, in January when police spotted her driving through town with a 15-foot-tall tree firmly lodged in the grille of her car, sticking straight up. She was apparently too intoxicated to recall where she “acquired” the tree or how many minutes earlier that was.
Aries (March 21-April 19): French artist Henri Matisse (1869-1954) is regarded as one of the greats, in the same league as Picasso and Kandinsky. Even in his eighties, he was still creating marvels that one critic said seemed “to come from the springtime of the world.”
Police, finally armed with a warrant after months of neighbors’ complaints about loud music, raided Michael Baker’s small one-bedroom apartment in Croydon, England, in March and confiscated 34 loudspeakers that allegedly Baker had been using at high volume at “all hours.” After entering the home with the aid of a locksmith, police left Baker with only a CD player and a pair of earphones.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to my astrological analysis, you would benefit profoundly from taking a ride in a jet fighter plane 70,000 feet above the earth. In fact, I think you really need to experience weightlessness as you soar faster than the speed of sound.
Murders are being committed over hair weaves, reported WMC-TV (Memphis, Tennessee) in March, with one likely explanation being a belief that a person who acquires tufts of human hair surely acquires the fortunes — good or bad — of the person who grew the hair.
When Orville and Wilbur Wright were kids, their father gave them a toy helicopter powered by a rubber band. The year was 1878. Twenty-five years later, the brothers became the first humans to sail above the earth in a flying machine. They testified that the toy helicopter had been a key inspiration as they worked to develop their pioneering invention.
Trying to put (as a critic charged) “lipstick on a pig,” Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder boasted in March that the lead-in-the-water crisis plaguing the city of Flint for months now had actually spurred job growth. Though Snyder has been heavily criticized for tight-fisted budgeting that enabled the crisis, 81 temporary workers have been recently hired — to hand out bottled water so that residents would not have to hydrate themselves with poisoned municipal water.