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Ask Anyone

trading in

I need a sports car. Or maybe not a sports car but one with a few more gears than my present sedan. One that doesn’t insist on always using the same route to go around the block. One that doesn’t balk and stall at every strange uncertain curve or unfamiliar fog clouded horizon.

Simply, how do I entice my lover into trying new adventures? Talking only makes her more stubborn; begging and grovelling only empowers her unreceptiveness.

Nor will flowers, dinner and wine break her resolve, and YouPorn fails to arouse her curiosity. Threatening to rent a woman only returns “Fine. I get the house and half your paycheck. You get the disease.” Drugs are out because I need her to enjoy this too. I mean, if it were just my pleasure I was concerned with—well, I am well practiced in this fine art.

—Iwish “Woody” Doolittle

Strictly Classified says: Woody, so you and your “sedan” are in a rut. So far, it sounds like you have done quite a few things right. You have tried talking, flowers, dinner, and more…

Couples often get out of synch in the bedroom; it sounds like this may have spilled over into your life in general. I don’t like that talking doesn’t lead to some sort of compromise (not sexy, but something), and I don’t think you should have to beg for physical intimacy.

Try a therapist. Ideally you should go for couples counseling, but it doesn’t sound like your lady friend has been receptive to much, so you may have to go it alone. Any professional worth his or her salt should be able to give your relationship a “tune up”. Also, be patient. I am guessing that this situation didn’t occur overnight, and it may take some time to get back in the swing of things.

Thanks for the the auto analogy by the way. Now I can’t get Neil Young’s “Long May You Run” out of my head.

The Practical Cogitator says: Between the “rent a woman” comment and the hackneyed, yet still offensive, sedan comparison, I have to say I’m kind of on her side. And then it seems you’ve contemplated a little Linda Lovelace style (or, the even less charitable among us might say, Roman Polanski style) get-her-so-stoned-she-doesn’t-know-she’s-being-assaulted drugging. These are not the words of someone who is really worried about his partner’s pleasure. Rather, these are the fantasies of someone who secretly desires to do whatever he wants and be applauded for it. And frankly, you will have to rent someone for that.

The Sales Guy says: Judging from her replies, you two are sharing/co-owning your house, whether married or partners. With this in mind, your options narrow considerably. Before moving in together, this lack of playful experimentation on her part should have been addressed. This is not her fault in any way, as she seems content with your sexual routine, so this is all on you!

What I mean is this, sport: If you were so unhappy with her sexually, you should have traded your SUV in for the sports car of your dreams early on, before financial or matrimonial entanglements. So you’re bored and unhappy now—boo-fucking-hoo! You’re going to have to pay a steep price if you want something new. As they say in the car business, you’re way upside-down on your trade.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: How long have you been driving down this road? You make it sound as if you’ve been puttering along for a long time. You might wish your vehicle had more pickup, but remember, up until now she’s been getting you where you need to go. Where’s your sense of romance? The two of you have been through a lot together. You should get her oil changed. Check her fluid levels. Get her tires rotated and balanced. You can’t just keep pushing your ride to the limit without putting something back in. When’s the last time you so much as checked her tire pressure?

I think it’s high time you treated her to a comprehensive tuneup. Take her through the car wash and spray the undercarriage with rust inhibitor. Treat her to a full detail job.

I’ll bet she’ll run better. If nothing else, a little TLC might keep her from breaking down and stranding you on the side of the road, alone.

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