the golden ticket

I’m a hardcore Bills fan. For my birthday this year, three of my buddies bought me a season ticket. They’ve had season tickets for years, and they presented the gift with a lot of teasing in front of my wife. They said things like, “Now you’ve got no excuse to stay home. You’re coming to the games with us!”

She was cool about it, because I watch all the games on TV anyway. She pretty much puts up with it, even though she could care less about football.

My problem is that when I went to the home opener, I discovered that my ex-wife sits directly in front of me at the game. The guys didn’t know, and they flipped out. It turns out she has season tickets, too. It was pretty freaking weird, but I still had a good time hanging out with my friends.

I haven’t told my wife yet, because I don’t want her to freak out every Sunday when I go to the game. They’re really good seats, and I don’t want to see my ex-wife, I want to watch football! She wrecks the view! I mean, what are the odds?

No matter what, I just can’t see this playing out well. How do I handle this?

—Tail Gator

The Back Room Guy says: Your best move: Act more outraged about the whole situation than your wife could ever be. Freak out about it. Have a fit. Yell about how you couldn’t see yourself possibly going to another game until she reminds you how much your friends paid for the ticket and that you sat through four Superbowl losses for these jamokes who might be good this year. Then enjoy next week’s loss and throw popcorn at your ex-wife when you get drunk.

Strictly Classified says: It doesn’t sound like your current wife has much to worry about. After all, your ex-wife became your ex-wife for a reason. There are a couple ways you can handle your seating arrangement. You can just ignore your ex, or you can see if some people in another block of seats might be willing to swap tickets with you and your friends. One final thing: I do think you should tell your wife about the situation; perhaps she might be able to come up with a viable solution to your problem.

The Omniscient One says: Give your ticket to your wife.

The Practical Cogitator says: Don’t worry. This is a temporary problem. Papa Wilson will die soon, and his kids will sell the team. Problem solved. Go Bills. Go…

The Sales Guy says: Talk about a victim of circumstances. Any guy knows, the woman in your life—no matter how trusting—will freaking flip out and worse, refuse to believe you that this is a one-in-a-million occurrence.

Frankly, neither do I. Your friends have had these seasons for a while right? And do you believe they never noticed your former wife was sitting right there? Sorry, this is like the ultimate practical joke, which could actually spin out of control if not addressed. Talk to your homies. They have some explaining to do—to you and to your present wife.

The Sports Nut says: Oh, yeah. I’m with the Sales Guy. These guys toasted you! And I don’t mean with an ice-cold Labatt’s Blue. They burned you right down the sideline. Wow. The amount of planning to keep it a secret. They knew your ex-wife was gonna be right there. Reminds me of the time me and three buddies told our one friend that we were all painting a letter on our chest to spell out B-I-L-L-S when we stood shoulder to shoulder in the stands. He was the middle man. Then, on cue, we all stood up and took our shirts off. But see, the other four of us hadn’t painted anything on our chest.

He was standing there with a big, black “L” painted from his neck to his belt.

“L” is right!

Classic.

The Straight Skinny: Her seats are in front of yours? Maybe you should get back together with her.

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