I’m so tired of coming up with New Year’s resolutions for myself, and then breaking them, that I’ve decided to start making resolutions for other people instead. This way, when those resolutions go unfulfilled, I can hate other people instead of myself.
You folks always have plenty of advice for other people. Who are some folks you would make resolutions for, and what would they be?
—Do As I Say, Not As You Do
The Straight Skinny says: Boy, am I glad you asked. Here are a few:
For Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown: a resolution to engage his third and presumably final mayoral election campaign lie a man with nothing to lose. (Which you are right? Who’s really going to run against you? Bernie Tolbert?) Tell us the truth about Buffalo’s government and its prospects, and how you really feel about your political allies and financial backers. Tell us about the NRP scandal. Tell us what it’s like working for Steve Casey. Maybe wear a pair of shorts to work, grow a beard. And, um, stop, um, saying “um” all the time. Confidence, man! You’re about to become a three-term mayor!
For Mayor Byron Brown’s son, also named Byron: That skinny mustache you’re growing? The one that looks just like your dad’s? Shave that thing.
For Buffalo News columnist Donn Esmonde:
Use that paragraph break less often.
Sometimes a paragraph wants more than one sentence.
Sometimes a sentence wants company.
I know you think that a single-sentence paragraph adds gravitas, or instructs readers that herein is a pearl of wisdom, the pithy conclusion for which they turn to you.
For Congressman Chris Collins: a resolution to stop being so kind to strangers. No more Mr. Nice Guy, Chris. Let that waitress have it when the kitchen botches your order. You’ve been holding in that rage for too long. It’ll kill you, buddy.
Backroom Guy says: If I were Donald Trump, Chris Brown, Ann Coulter, or the Pope, I would resolve never to tweet again.
Strictly Classified says: I would have my neighbors resolve to shovel their sidewalks. I wiped out the other day while walking the dog—not fun!
The Smart Money says: Are you joking? Resolutions for the masses? How the devil…
I guess we should all resolve to remember that we are not alone in this world and should try to treat one another with respect. Especially when driving. Unless you’re in my way. In that case, please move.
The Straight Skinny says: Man, I can’t help it. I’ve got a couple more:
For former Buffalo Mayor Tony Masiello: When a newspaper asks you for your impressions of a reputed local mob boss, as the Buffalo News did a year ago when Joe Todaro fell ill, resolve to say nothing. Because, when you are quoted in his obituary dismissing the criminal allegations against him, saying, “There are always rumors and allegations about people,” you sound like you’re covering for the guy. Which, no matter how legendarily generous and kind Todaro could be, tends to make a voter wonder about the friends you keep—and kept while you were mayor.
For the Trico building: Stop acting so big, fella.
For the Buffalo Niagara Medical Campus: a public resolution never to build another surface parking lot or ramp. And a resolution to keep that resolution.
Ask Anyone is local advice for locals with problems. Send your questions for our panel of experts to firstname.lastname@example.org comments powered by Disqus
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