working for love

I’ve got a crush on a guy at work, and he’s single too, but he doesn’t seem to see me that way. We have casual flirtations, in which we play the roles of co-workers infatuated with one another, but it’s a surface game. At least for him. For me, that role is painfully easy to play.

I’m thinking of using Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to come clean. So two questions for you guys: First, is this a stupid idea—are workplace infatuations real and worth pursuing, or just the result of spending so many hours in close quarters? Second, how would you let him know your feelings were for real?

- Hot at the Water Cooler

Back Room Guy says: This is a risky maneuver. Be prepared for awkwardness if he doesn’t return the sentiment. That means having a plan to deal with the aftermath, you don’t want to have to avoid this guy for the rest of your life!

Don’t lay it all out on the table. Let him know that you have a crush on him, sometimes people find that charming and cute, but don’t go all “I’ve been in love with you for years” on him or you might scare him away.

The Omniscient One says: If you want to evaluate what’s real and what isn’t with your co-worker you have to get out of the workplace. Playing the part of other workers infatuated with each other while you two are at work isn’t real and is not something to build on. Go have a normal conversation over a drink or a cup of coffee and leave the other employees behind. You find yourself bored to death or you may both see each other in a new and better way. Just remember the road from the office to the bedroom is full of perils.

Strictly Classified says: To answer the first part of your query, don’t dip your pen in company ink. To answer the second part, refer to the previous answer.

Smart Money says: do nothing and say nothing. You have to work with this person. Yikes. Until you’re out at some work function and end up banging him in the back of your car. Actually, I wouldn’t say anything after that either.

The Gay Perspective: Dumb idea. Leave it alone. Wishful thinking aside, you’re headed for heartbreak and awkwardness at the office for a long time to come, and you know it.

the agony, the ecstasy

For Valentine’s Day, my (42-year-old) wife and I plan to try Ecstasy. We’ve never been into the drugs, but from what I can tell, Ecstasy is pretty side-effect free and pretty awesome. Is there anything I should know first?

- Altared States

Back Room Guy says: First, keep in mind that this will be a positive experience. Nothing bad can happen, you won’t overdose, and if you do it in the comfort of your own home—not out dancing out in a club—you won’t have to worry about the typical side effects like over-heating. It couldn’t hurt to drink a reasonable amount of water throughout the whole experience, though, and make sure you have a good playlist of music on hand.

Be prepared to spill your guts. Your feelings will come out, and people have been known to say more than they intended to when on Ecstasy. It can act like a truth serum in ways, so make sure you don’t blurt out anything that could be damaging to your relationship. That being said, you’re doing this to break down barriers, so let that happen.

The Omniscient One says: If from what you can tell “Ecstasy is side effect free,” you haven’t done much research. There are plenty of side effects, all bad, and I imagine at your age the side effects are likely more dangerous. If your idea of Valentine’s Day fun is a probable trip to the emergency ward at ECMC, then you’re on the right track.

Strictly Classified says: If you have made it this far in life without trying E, I suggest you don’t start now. I mean seriously, it eats holes in your brain!

The Gay Perspective: With a pharmacy on every corner, you should know the answer to this one. At your age, you don’t want to find out nine months from now that you did more than pass out on Valentine’s Day.

a fine romance

What do you experts do on Valentine’s Day, if anything? What do you do throughout the year to keep romance alive?

- Keeping Love Alive

The Omniscient One says: I guess we’re very traditional, it’s always chocolate and flowers. On Valentine’s Day morning I bring my wife down to the chocolate factory I own and dip her naked in a vat of melted chocolate. Then I lick it off slowly. Afterwards we go into my office, where the floor is littered foot-high with rose petals and we make mad passionate love on the floor. Some years we switch it and I’ll dip her naked in a vat of rose petals and then we make mad passionate love in a foot-high pool of melted chocolate. And if we’re not getting along, I just buy her a box of chocolates and a dozen roses.

Strictly Classified says: I will probably stay in and make a nice dinner for my beau. If you are thinking about making a reservation for a relaxing dinner, try Monday, February 11. Chances are the restaurant will be quiet, and you will have a nicer experience. If that’s not your speed, head out and get your drink on this Fat Tuesday (February 12) for the Artvoice Mardi Gras celebration. Your $5 donation will help support the the arts community (and work as a cover charge for 25 locations).