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Seven Goofy Gifts

For the romantically challenged...

Here are a few quick easy gifts to make you tall, thin, and tattoed and seemingly well endowed. The ladies (or the guys) will love you. Just make sure you keep the lights out if you take someone home.

For the Guys
1. HIDE THAT BEER GUT! Underworks Belly Buster! $48.99 - $53.99 on 2. Too wimpy for a tattoo needle but want that cool look? No problem. $12 bucks and two minutes slip on fake tattoo sleeve and you'll be looking like the man you're NOT! The Orlando Magic Undertone Tattoo Sleeve $12.95 at 3. Oh dear, your object of lust taller than you? Add four, five, even a ridiculous six inches with extreme lift shoes. Make sure you wear them to bed though. Just use a variation of "I want to die with my boots on." Nicholas is 5'8" barefoot but with his XT9964 Elevator Shoe from IncreaseShoes Nicholas is now 6'1". Find them at $149.

4. For guys who believe a bulging crotch and a baseball player's beefy base running ass is what works for snagging a love pal is waiting to serve you. These stylish briefs feature TWO butt pads and a hefty crotch pad. Get THE PACKAGE BOOSTER at $28.49 and feel the rush of having everyone staring at your Christmas package.

For the Girls
1. Okay, young lady, you went out with the guy with the shoe lifts, the gut girdle, the fake tattoo sleeve and the padded crotch. You're in his bedroom and you've sadly discovered all his dirty little secrets. Now you need a good stiff drink to carry on. There's an easy fix. Just pull out your pack of fake Tampons and start sucking the booze. One ounce per tube and you can drink it straight from the tampon. The company suggests they're good for sneaking booze into football games, too. Of course, drinking from a tampon at a Bills game is totally normal. Only $19.99 at AMAZON.COM. 2. Maybe the tampon flask is not your thing, especially at a public event like a football game. No problem. Try the Wine Rack. It will not only get your illicit liquor or beer into public events but it will make you the girl with the big boobs the guys drool over. Comes in sizes from small to Xtra Large. Available at AMAZON.COM $29.46. 3. Girls know what's going on when they walk past a guy in a bar or on the street, he's looking at your ass. What if you don't have much of an ass or a flat one? Now you can have the ass you always dreamed of without the cost of expensive surgery. Get the fake Fajas Colomianas Fajate Butt pad for that famous latin look. Large selection available as a Buy-It-Now on for only $68.88.

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