Pop-up hot dog cooker

Golden Egyptian throne

Radio-controlled mouse

Flying to a conference in Little Rock, I drummed my fingers on the tray and stared out the window at the rural patchwork below. I was worried. How could it be that after writing for only six months, I’ve already broken every marginally interesting gadget in the house in the name of journalism? I sipped my tomato juice and rummaged through the seat-back pouch. There, between the airsick bag and the safety instructions, I found my salvation: SkyMall (http://skymall.com).

SkyMall is Hammacher-Schlemmer, Ronco, Lillian Vernon and QVC all rolled into one. Rather than offer their own products, they comb through their partners’ catalogs and cull only the most bizarre, ridiculous and hokey merchandise and resell it to you, the airborne public. If you happen to be on a much larger plane than I was (CRJ-700, $30 million, http://bombardier.com), their order hotline is even on airphone speed dial so you can Buy Now! before you come to your senses. Without further ado, the best (or worst) 10 items of SkyMall:

10. Solar and battery-powered cooling hat: because you don’t look foolish enough wearing a pith helmet in downtown Buffalo, dork. (Page 25, $49.95, http://sun-mate.com.)

9. Extended-reach insect vacuum: Never have to touch a grody bug again. Except when you have to dislodge its desiccated body from the convenient, toxic “containment chamber.” (Page 18, $49.95, http://www.bugrackit.com.)

8. Stuffed dog spy camera: Pay no attention to the dog with the camera in his nose and the USB cable coming out of his butt. (Page 86, $29.99, http://geniusnet.com.)

7. Pop-up hot dog cooker: What can I say? Just look at this thing. (Page 25, $49.95, http://hotdiggitydogger.ca.)

6. LED scrolling-message license plate frame: Very illegal. For best results, program it to say “Fuck off, pigs!” as you drunk-drive through Kenmore. (Page 155, $69.95, http://smartplanet.com.)

5. Laser comb: This comb shoots lasers into your head. They say it treats hair loss; I say there’s no way this thing doesn’t give you hair cancer. (Page 108, $545, http://hairmax.com.)

4. GPS-enabled golf balls: Perhaps you will lose fewer golf balls when you can track them with GPS. But won’t you feel like an idiot when your $30 golf ball lands in the drink? (Page 34, 12 for $349.95, http://skygolf.com.)

3. Hummer laptops: Big, heavy, slow, and overpriced, just like your mom’s HMMWV. (Page 119, $2,789.95, http://hummerlaptops.com.)

2. Golden Egyptian throne: This chair lets your guests know you’re royalty and, coincidentally, completely tasteless. (Page 178, $895, http://designtoscano.com.)

1. Radio-controlled mouse: The mouse with the glowing red eyeballs is controlled by a radio transmitter hidden in a cheeseburger. Of course. (Page 88, $24.99, http://megatech.com.)

Dave hopes to get a lot of mileage out of SkyMall. Send your SkyMall stories to webmaster@artvoice.com.