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Propeller Beanie

OK, we’ll just cut right to the embarrassing story, since that’s why you’re all reading anyway. When I was little, I was a total spaz. (In my defense, I blame my parents for not adequately explaining the difference between “doing your own thing” and “being a total spaz.”) Mom thought it would be a good idea to buy me a propeller beanie on one of her shopping trips to Vidler’s 5 & 10. Don’t look at me, I still don’t know why.

So I wore it around the house all afternoon, and if the circumstances had been any different, I probably would have gotten bored with it, tossed it on the shelf and forgotten it. But the gods decreed otherwise: it was windy that day. Now even at my young age, I realized it was pretty cheaply made, and I didn’t think it was likely that it would actually spin around in the wind, but dinner wasn’t going to be ready for at least another hour, so what the Hell, right? I ran outside, and…

…and my life changed forever.

Now, perhaps I should mention that this was also the summer that I learned to roller-skate.

And maybe it wouldn’t hurt to know that my older sister, who was then at a very embarrassable young age, was in little league and spending a lot of time with both her peers and her family down at Shoshone Park.

So when she looked out beyond the field and saw her little brother fly by on roller skates, wearing a propeller beanie going a mile a minute, with a pair of funglasses that would make Bootsy Collins jealous…I really don’t think she should have been quite as surprised as she was.

And when I became the de facto team mascot that year, it only seemed natural. After all, even the parents from other teams and other divisions knew whose brother I was.

Which is why it was completely unforeseeable that she would stuff my beanie in a hot car and melt the propeller.

Pros: You gotta let your freak flag fly.

Cons: But not that high

Update: SkyMall

Patricia Donovan wrote to inform me that SkyMall has made available a “Decorative Litterbox You Don’t Have to Hide.” For $129.95, it comes with a “Tuscan handfinish” and lots of big plastic leaves sticking out of the top, so you can finally let your cat poop next to your living room sofa. I only wonder why I would pay $130 so my cat pan poop in the living room, when he already poops in the neighbor’s vegetable garden for free.

Don’t let him fool you—Dave still wears a propeller beanie to work every day. What embarrassing gadgets did you have as a kid? Send your tales of youthful indiscretion to webmaster@artvoice.com.