JOKER, JOKER…JOKER!

I was wasted on Chippewa a few years back and I went to the ATM. Before I’d even found my debit card, I started drunkenly punching buttons and $200 popped out. Shocked into lucidity, I realized that the money belonged to the guy, also wasted, who’d been using the ATM before me. I stepped out into the street to look for him, but he was long gone. I kept the money. What could I have done differently? —Money for Nothing

Ruthless says: You know, those ATMs are monitored by video surveillance. I’m surprised you weren’t incarcerated. The man at the machine before you must have been not only drunk enough to walk away mid-transaction but rich enough not to notice the extra $200 out of his account. Had he complained, surely the bank would have investigated. I don’t suppose you need lose any sleep over this. He probably made his rent on time anyway.

The Gay Perspective: You could have contacted the bank and explained the situation. They have a record of transactions and could have found the person whose money you took. That would have been more ethical than what you did, which was to prey on another person’s infirmity for personal gain, albeit pretty passively.

The Pragmatic Girl: Well, you could have bought a round of drinks for everyone in the next bar you went to. Share the windfall. hopefully drunk guy #1 was there.

Tipsy says: What’s that saying about a fool and his money? I’m sorry that someone’s money was stolen. I’m also sorry that you were drunk enough not to realize that you never even put your card into the ATM before retrieving the money, which you undoubetedly then used to go out and drink some more. That was a great night, wasn’t it?

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AN EGGS-ELLENT QUESTION

A co-worker of mine is very proud to be selling her eggs for $6,000 apiece to an agency that, in turn, provides them to women who are having difficulty conceiving. A few weeks ago she overheard me talking about a couple I know who want to have a child but can’t, and since then she’s been pressuring me to introduce her to them, so she can make a sale and cut out the middle man. I find that distasteful, but more troubling, this woman has bad teeth and eczema and isn’t very bright—not real winner in the genetic lottery. What do I do? I’m tempted to contact the agency she uses. —Gene Police

The Rollergirl says: They pay sperm donors too, and sperm is a lot less risky to retrieve than ova. Ovum harvesting is extremely difficult and puts a lot of strain on the donor’s body—in fact it has been linked to several fatalities, as well as severe illnesses and permanent damage to donors’ bodies.

And yet nobody scolds sperm donors for doing it for the money. They are often stereotyped as being total losers, sure, and possibly not great genetic source material, but that still doesn’t stop people.

Just because this co-worker is a woman, she’s supposed to do this extremely difficult and dangerous thing out of the goodness of her heart? I admit it’s tacky to brag about it, but would you feel differently if she was doing it to help a friend?

You should certainly not feel obligated to introduce her to these friends of yours—if you don’t like her, and disapprove of what she’s doing, then don’t complicate things by becoming involved—but before you cast stones at her, think of whether you’d feel the same if she were a man. People make fun of sperm donors, but more because it doesn’t exactly pay well than because it pays at all.

The Gay Perspective: Whoa, okay. I think you really need to get out of the middle of this one, before you repeat that bad teeth and eczema slam where it counts. Tell your stupid, itchy “friend” that you feel uncomfortable about making this referral. Remind her that one of the benefits of the agency is the anonymity.

Stop talking about the couple with the fertility problems so indiscriminately. Also stop talking about other people’s dental problems and eczema so indiscriminately. And do think twice before you decide to raise children yourself.

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