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Previous story: Aiden

Ask Anyone

APART FROM THAT,

MRS. LINCOLN…

My father remarried last month, and the wedding was in St. Louis, where his new wife is from. At the reception I hit it off with the bride’s niece; during the cake-cutting we were having sex in the women’s room at the country club, which was great until one of her aunts broke in on us. She was furious. Turns out the niece is married (I didn’t know), the aunt told everyone at the reception what she’d seen, my dad was hugely embarrassed and won’t talk to me. To make matters worse, in her hurry to get off of me when her aunt appeared, the niece landed on the sink and ripped it from the wall, causing a huge flood.

Did I really fuck up? How can I make things right with my dad? Who should pay for the damage in the bathroom? Also, do I buy my own father a wedding gift, after he divorced my mother?

The Gay Perspective: Oh, another straight wedding question! Don’t I remember this scene from The Godfather? And they say gay people are so randy. Wow! Broke the sink and everything, you animals!

Let’s list the bad behavior here. How would you rank the offenders?

1) You and your new mother’s niece for hogging the bathroom?

2) The aunt a) for breaking into the occupied bathroom and b) for telling everyone at the reception what she saw in there?

3) Your father for allowing this to become a big deal?

Since you certainly instigated this, for the sake of family, you should make an attempt to resolve it.

Apologize to your father for making this day about your libido and not his.

Apologize to the country club for damage to the sink, explaining that it was an accident, and offer to pay for the repair. They should refuse.

Yes, you must get your father a gift! If you were going to choose sides you shouldn’t have attended the wedding (and helped yourself to his food, his booze and his new wife’s married niece) in the first place.

And as far as your self-righteous aunt is concerned, you have two options: a) be coldly polite to her for the rest of her life; b) lavish her with solicitous charm, which will drive her crazy.

And finally, most important of all, offer to marry your new cousin. This is the traditional way to smooth things over in the straight world.

Incidentally, where was the cuckolded husband during all of this? With everything including the bathroom sink in the story, you seem to have left out a very dramatic episode!

Suspicious Mind says: I suspect that, in fact, you are rather proud of this adventure, which is why you are hoping to have the story published in a newspaper, reproduced 65,000 times and distributed throughout region. If you were going to pay for the sink, buy a wedding gift or apologize for the ruckus, you’d have done so of your own volition, driven either by guilt or by good manners (if there is even a difference between the two). You’re not going to do these things because some total strangers writing a newspaper column tell you that you should.

So congratulations—your friends and coworkers will surely see through the thin gauze of your anonymity and congratulate you on your loutishness.

The Sales Guy says: Yes, you really fucked up. Being a total embarrassment of a son, no one will think less of your character if you also stiff on the repairs. And if you have to ask about getting a gift for your father, just ask yourself: What would a total waste of a human being do in this situation?

The Tipsy Advisor says: Yes, you did really fuck up (both figuratively and literally). Everybody fucks up, though.

Pay for the sink, compose a well written letter of explanation and apology to your father (and his new wife) and move on. Make your peace with it and let it go. Shame on the niece—she’s the one who is married, not you. You were having fun and no one got rushed to the hospital with pieces of a ceramic sink in his or her ass, I say good for you. In a few years you and your father will hopefully have a good laugh over it—provided that the niece doesn’t have any children that look an awful lot like you in the meantime.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. If you have a question for our panel of experts, please send it along to advice@artvoice.com