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Ask Anyone

THE FRUITS OF EVIL

I have a mutual fund that’s invested in some sleazy businesses, but it’s making me a lot of money. Should I take my money out, even though it’s just a drop in the bucket to the fund? Should I keep the profits and give more money to charity? Should I give up and put my money beneath the matress, because all banks do the same things? —Daddy Warbucks

Ruthless says: Here at Artvoice we have our classifieds department, which brings in a certain amount of advertising money from certain businesses that may not represent our mission in the best possible way. However, it helps to keep our free paper coming out each week, and we are forever defending our placement of some of the ads in the back of the paper—which some decry as sexist or misogynist—because it may serve the greater good. Don’t read the last pages of the paper if you don’t want to. That’s why they’re there, and Mike Niman’s column is in the front. What I’m saying is, if you need to make money this way and you aren’t in fact a desperate slimeball, then that’s for your conscience to decide. If it’s just for some frivolous cash, and you have reservations about your investments, then put your money in utilities, son (or daughter): Any financial consultant will tell you that utilities are safe, sensible investments, and Lord knows, none of those are “sleazy businesses.”

The Gay Perspective: We should not tailor our consciences to fit this year’s economic outlook. There are ethical issues, even to investing. You may work as a whore to keep the baby in diapers but not to keep yourself in cocaine. You may sell spring water, but you shouldn’t raise the prices just because the customer is actually dying of thirst. Do you understand? If you’ve got a mutual fund, you’re not that bad off. Sell the Haliburton. And for god’s sake don’t give the money away; the whole point of a mutual fund is to make money, which is not evil in and of itself.

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HALLOWEEN: back in black?

I was trying to come up with a good Halloween outfit, and my (also white) friend enthusiastically suggested that I dress as a slave, with blackface. Would that be totally offensive? After all, Prince Harry dressed as Hitler. Maybe I’m behind the times. —Confused in Costumeland

Ruthless says: If you enjoy getting your ass kicked, then it’s a fine idea. Plan on spending most of the night in the hospital, or possibly in jail, depending on the extent of your idiocy. I’m “also white,” too, and I’d want to beat you up. Didn’t Price Harry have to issue an embarrassing public apology? Good thing he doesn’t have to run for office or he’d be done for.

Ever heard of the Jena Six? These things are not taken lightly ever, nor should they be, and some things are so unfunny as to be considered not only offensive but acts of violence. I don’t think this city wants, needs or deserves a race-related confrontation of any sort, especially not on Halloween and especially not due to the whim of a couple of imbeciles. Why don’t you dress as Prince Harry instead, complete with his tail between his legs?

The Gay Perspective: Ah Halloween, or as I like to call it, Gay Christmas! Did you know that Bette Davis dressed in blackface to celebrate her 50th birthday? Be that as it may, in case you had any doubt, your friend is an idiot. There is a difference between the outrageous and the hateful. Drag would be outrageous; blackface is just plain hateful. You may be outrageous and inappropriate for Halloween, you may even be playfully offensive, but hate is not in the spirit of the holiday. Prince Harry’s Hitler costume was a horrible miscalculation—just not funny. I have a friend whose young son dressed as Roy of “Siegried & Roy” the year the performer was attacked by one of his famed white tigers. The costume featured a sequined jacket and a stuffed white tiger, which the boy attached to his neck as if he were being attacked. It was in hilariously bad taste, but also a great Halloween costume. I was especially pleased that he had chosen a gay role model. This year’s tasteless costumes should include Britney Spears and her kids, Ellen Degeneres and her dogs. In an homage to ignorance and bad taste, I’ll be going as the pregnant Elisabeth Hasselbeck again this year. Either that, or as the iPhone. I love Halloween.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.