INTESTINAL FORTITUDE

I have a friend who almost always talks about things that aren’t quite…attractive, say. Like, we just had lunch, and as she did at our last lunch, she spent the whole time describing her liver detox and colonic cleansing program. I’m all for her getting healthy, and doing so however she likes, but I really don’t want to hear so much about it. She even talked about how she saw a famous colonic doctor’s slide show (!!) this weekend.

Am I just being old-fashioned to think that there are things, like intestines, that we don’t discuss at meals? This isn’t the only time it’s come up, and not only with her. —Queasy in Cheektowaga

Ruthless says: Saturday Night Live has “Debbie Downer,” and you have your “friend.” This is not a new, fresh, nor unusual problem—which is why a running skit that tackles this very subject has been developed on one of the country’s most popular late night television shows. Take a cue from the other characters on SNL: Each one excuses himself or herself and leaves as fast as possible. No one wants to discuss these things whether food is involved or not. Is anyone ever fighting over who gets to sit next to Great-Grandma or Grandpa at the dinner table or anywhere else? You are only out of touch for asking this question. Don’t you have anyone else to have lunch with? Get them all together instead and discuss how glad you all are that your “friend” isn’t there.

The Gay Perspective: Yes, you should tell her. Something along the lines of “This is disgusting. Could we not talk about it while we’re eating?” should do it. And if she persists, “No. I’m serious!” would make a good reinforcing statement. And if someone stands on your foot, you should mention that too. Yes, you are out of touch, but not in the way that you think.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: I have considered your unique case at great length, and I believe I have a solution to your dilemma. But first, I must tell you something that you may not realize about your friend. It’s not that she has an alcohol abuse problem, as I’m sure you already know, being her friend. No, this is even more dangerous. Your friend is a liar. How do I know this? Quite simple, really. You see, there are no famous colonic doctors!

So the next time your friend begins extolling the virtues of colonic cleansing as you dine at a restaurant, stand up tall and proclaim in a voice that even the dishwashers will hear: “You are full of shit!”

* * *

A HUUUUGE TRAIN WRECK

What’s up with Billy Fucillo? Have you seen his latest commercials? It seems like he’s come completely undone—and then he’s off the air for a couple weeks and his sidekick appears in the ads alone. Has he lost his mind? Sick with power? Same thing?

—Car Sick

The Gay Perspective: Who is Billy Fucillo?

The Straight Perspective: Yeah, who is he? (Maybe I’m gay, too.)

The Rollergirl says: I think he’s the guy from the HUUUUGE ads. My theory is: cocaine.

Muckracker says: Fuccillo is in a dirty, high-pressure business. Automobile sales is notorious both for bringing out the worst in people and driving them mad. It could be Fuccillo is living a fast, dangerous life, indulging habits meant to relieve the pressure but which ultimately will drive him to a breakdown. Indeed, mini-breakdowns may explain his frequent absences from the dealership’s TV spots. His buffoonish persona is, after all, the public face of his business: Why else, besides incapacitation, would he simply disappear from the public eye and risk his dealership’s market share?

Maybe he’s toying with us. Dr. Robert Levine, a clinical psychologist, says that car salesmen “…are masters at making the customer feel obedient to them. One standard trick, Levine explained, is the ‘turn and walk.’ If a salesperson feels he’s losing the customer’s attention while showing off a car, he’ll turn and walk away, to another car or back to the office. The customer will always follow.”

Maybe Fuccillo is employing a version of the old “turn and walk.” You can’t help but follow his sordid persona. When he’s gone, he’s got you waiting breathlessly for his return.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.