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CHRISTMAS TREE BANDITS

We live on a big piece of property with a woods, and every year we invite people to come cut Christmas trees on our land. It’s something my aunt and uncle used to do, so I thought it would be nice, sort of old-fashioned style. But in the last couple of years, it’s gotten out of hand. People have told their friends, and now we have lots of people we hardly know who come and cut down trees. It’s not exactly that we’re running out of them, though we will. Anyway, I don’t know how to stop people from coming. Am I supposed to stand by the road with a shotgun? Should I disinvite our friends and wait until everyone else gets the hint? What if they never do? I never thought I’d be the kind of person to be strict about trespassing.

—The Lorax

The Rollergirl says: Shotguns are a possibility. Alternately—wait, you were just letting people come on and pick one themselves? Whoa. My family’s always cut their own Christmas trees from our land, but we were always careful about which ones we chose, from the standpoint of leaving enough healthy ones in the area, and controlling erosion and the like. Forest is best when managed properly. And trees aren’t free, not even wild ones.

You might want to put out an APB to the effect that you really would prefer having more of a hand in the management of your own property. You can’t just have everyone coming on without even so much as checking in with you and just taking any dang tree they want. Besides being poor forest management, you’re also in danger of getting sued. You could even blame your family lawyer for that one—trespassers have routinely sued property owners when they were injured climbing trees or jumping fences, and cutting trees down is even more risky. It’s a huge liability risk. Property owners now must not only ensure that their property has No Trespassing signs posted, but must also, apparently, work to enforce them. But besides the liability, that’s just damnably rude. They don’t even ask you directly? I’m really leaning toward the shotgun on this one.

The Straight Perspective: Forget the shotgun. Stand by the side of the road with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a chain saw. Accessorize with a plaid shirt and scare the uninvited off.

The Gay Perspective: How generous of your friends to give away your trees! Oh, wait. It is generous when you do it. When other people do it, that’s appalling cheek. Are you serious that you feel awkward about protesting? Where did you straight people learn to be such doormats? It is your own fault that this has gotten out of hand. You were naive not to realize that people are pigs, especially at the holidays. You’ve got to draw the line long before they start chopping down your shrubbery. I have turned away friends who have shown up at my door for a holiday party with a surprise guest of their own: “How nice to meet your friend. I’d ask you to stay, but I’m hosting a party.” They never repeat the offense. You should have been inhospitable the first time an unexpected tree poacher showed up. The time to be forthright is overdue. You have two choices. The one I prefer is to pull the plug. Let your friends know that because this got out of hand, you will not be extending this courtesy until further notice. This communicates that you find them partly accountable for what has happened. Alternatively, you can limit this to a select few, as you had originally intended. Tell your friends, such as they are, what you’ve said in your letter. Be particularly pointed with those who gave their own friends the idea that this was a holiday y’all come. Individual calls that say, “We’re trying to get this under control and so we are inviting a very few special friends, only, to come select a tree, pending our approval, of course,” at a particular time on a particular day. Since this has gotten so far out of hand, you shouldn’t be shocked if total strangers start driving onto your property to help themselves. Word is out that you are a public convenience. People obviously feel as free to take trees from your property as they do to take the soaps from a motel room. You might do well to post a sign on your property indicating that tree-cutting is forbidden and will be prosecuted. If you need a face-saving line, try something like “We’re giving our trees time to recover. No tree-cutting this year.” It is up to you how and to whom you extend your generosity.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.