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SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY

About two years ago, my girlfriend borrowed my car for the evening. When she came out of the restaurant she was at with friends downtown, she found that the car had been sideswiped while parked on the street. No note, no witnesses. The damage was pretty bad and expensive, but thankfully my insurance paid for it. A month ago she confessed that’s not what happened at all. She was drunk and she hit a parked car on the way home. She made up the story so I wouldn’t get angry, so she wouldn’t get in trouble and so that insurance would cover the damage.

She told me because we’re getting more and more serious, and she wants to come clean so there are no lies between us. I can appreciate that, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get over being angry about it and forgive her for the lie.

But I’m bothered by the fact that she hit another car, and she must have done a lot of damage to it, judging by what happened to mine. Part of me wants to tell her to track down the owner of that car, if she can, find an accident report, whatever. Is that unreasonable?

—Otto Nobedder

The Gay Perspective: Interesting. She drives drunk, lies to you and perpetrates insurance fraud, and yet we are getting more and more serious. Can I safely assume that the sex is marvelous?

I know which part of you wants this relationship. Which part wishes this woman had better ethics? I think making things right with the anonymous owner of the parked car is the least of your worries. As my father always asked my straight brother when he started dating someone new, “Can you see her as the mother of your children?”

The Straight Perspective: You’re not going to find the driver of the other car, so you may as well put that matter aside. However, I don’t think that’s why you wrote us. What I think you meant to ask is, “What should I do about the fact that I can’t deal with my girlfriend’s lying and drunk driving?”

And we, in return, would ask: What if instead of admitting to hitting a car, she admitted that she had hit a person? Are you sure she didn’t?

What are you going to do the next time she drives drunk?

What other revelations await you?

And why are you kidding yourself about accident reports when you really need to be asking yourself what you’re willing to put up with, and why?

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: I had completely forgotten about the night in question, but your letter has brought it all back to me as if it were only yesterday. First, I must tell you that you are a very lucky man because your girlfriend is funny, clever and really hot. While it’s true that she went out to dinner with “friends,” they all gradually left to go home at a reasonable hour while she remained at the bar with me. You know how bold and flirtatious she can be when she’s had a few cosmopolitans, and in her defense, I was not giving her much opportunity to tell me about you as we continued our pub crawl.

It wasn’t until we’d finished another round of body shots at McMonkeez on Chippewa that she told me she wanted to get a room at Casino Niagara. We were barely holding each other up as we slid into your car and proceeded to make out in the parking spot while the engine warmed up. Because of our entanglement, I can’t say whether it was her limbs or mine that accidentally knocked the transmission into gear, but I can tell you it was definitely not her fault. I mean, it’s not like she was actually “driving” at the time of the accident—unless “driving” is a carnal euphemism I’m not yet familiar with. It’s all pretty funny to look back on it now, don’t you think?

But let me get this straight: You want to have her track down the car we hit? Okay, but let me first suggest you do a little research on terms like “leaving the scene of an accident” and “insurance fraud.” Remember, it was your car, buddy.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.