Flash Fiction	Paint by Albert Sterback

I fondly remember my old neighborhood paint store. Like the barber shop and the tackle shop, it had a casual scruffiness that made a guy feel comfortable.

When it closed, I was urged to visit a new, bigger, less personal but more fashionable paint salon where, obviously, a great deal of thought was put into marketing, planning and design. Out went the familiar clutter, conversation, coffee and counter stools. In came ambience, high style, technology and professional service.

Upon entering, I was asked if I wanted to make my paint selection from the traditional “Williamsville” paint colors, the trendier “de Ralpho” colors, or if I wished to be wrapped. Following this initial consultation with an obvious generalist, I was advised to meet with an in-house personal colorist, who shortly emerged from the artfully gilded and faux-finished atrium of the Interior Decorating Sanctum.

The “Williamsville” colors included historically correct choices such as Eagle Tavern Grey, Cider Apple Red, Apple Pancake Buff and Water Tower Blue. The “de Ralpho” colors, a bit bolder and earthier, seemed to have been selected by Angela Lansbury and had names like Cove Grey, Cranberry, Sandpiper and Gum Boot.

Wrapping consisted of being draped in fabrics of various colors to determine your Index of Chromatic Harmonium. For example, if the colors “consonant with your skin tones” were Mars Red and Navy Blue, perhaps you would be happier if your living room were painted “sympathetically.” But this was just the beginning.

Upon the completion of the color selection phase of our discussion, we proceeded to the subtleties of the modern paint finish. Ms. Honey D’Jon, if I remember correctly, explained that while lesser wall paints were merely flat, dull or damn dull, I might consider more sophisticated choices such as Fla Tazza Pancake Classico Italio, Fresco Romano or the Fanny de Bambino finish favored by the great painters of the Italian Renaissance.

For use on woodwork, she drew my attention to Mother of All Pearl, Mini-Pearl Antique Buttermilk, Lake Effect High Gloss and “Little Bastage” Kid-Proof Washable Satin. For areas of more extreme wear, she recommended the Militario-Industrio-Complexo Tank Paint, which, however, was on back order. All of these, she added cheerfully, were available in Water-base Platex as well as Virgin, Semi-Virgin and Extra-Virgin oil bases.

Having been thoroughly and professionally advised, I was dispatched with a quart of a color called Dorian Grey in the “Little Bastage” finish. Despite the war effort, I selected the Semi-Virgin oil base, while it was still available, because I was assured that it would lay flat.

My bookcase looks a lot better now—especially in the morning light—and I’ve been told that it matches my moustache exactly. Unfortunately, it doesn’t match the rug or the sofa. Some day, if the price of oil comes down, maybe I should take both the rug and the sofa in and have them wrapped.