FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

I am a judge. It is important that I not be distracted while hearing cases. That is the first among many reasons that cell phones are banned in my courtroom. There are signs clearly indicating that they are to be turned off while court is in session, admonitions that are regularly ignored. Some time ago, during a tricky hearing, a cell phone rang in my courtroom. I asked who it belonged to, and no one answered. I then asked each person in the courtroom, one at a time, if his or her cell phone had rung. Everyone denied it. I grew furious—these people are adults, after all, and I am a judge in a court of law and entitled to the truth—and it’s possible a let my fury get the better of me: I held everyone in the courtroom in contempt, threw them all in jail. I’ve lost my job for what I did, at least temporarily, but I want to know if others think I am justified in what I did, or if I could have addressed the issue in another way.

—The Once Honorable

The Gay Perspective: Count your blessings and move on. There are countless other opportunities for someone with your talent and sense of justice.

You’d be great hassling people coming into the United States from Canada, for instance. When I first came to Buffalo, those guys pioneered a great scam where they wrote down the numbers on Canadian license plates of cars parked near gay bars. Then when those same cars came into the country again, they followed them, busted the occupants and sent them back to Canada! Despite the fact that some do-good Democrats spoiled everything by making homosexuality legal in New York State, opportunities for profiling still proliferate. I have a friend who was recently hassled along with his African-American fraternity brothers because when asked his profession, he answered, “College professor.” “What do you really do for a living?” was the response. They had to wait for an hour at Lewiston while the car was searched.

You can become a security guard at a shopping mall or airport. Unless you are a government-employed police officer, the Fourth Amendment, protecting people from unreasonable search and seizure, doesn’t even apply to you. You can hassle people mercilessly! In addition, think what fun you could have tapping your toes in the toilet stalls and stuff like that. A world of blissful tyrannical fun awaits you. Being removed from the bench was a stoke of luck for a despotic tyrant like you!

The Tennessee Stud says: You should lose your job. Almost everyone in that courtroom was telling the truth. While I understand how deeply rewarding it might feel to put everyone there in the lockup (I myself would like the power to arrest rude drivers), you’re the one making a circus out of what ought to be a serious place.

You should undergo counseling, a week in jail and a sentence of 5,000 squat thrusts; while you’re doing them, think twice about what makes a fair punishment.

And then he should start a campaign making it illegal to possess a cellphone in a courtroom.

North Dallas 40 writes: All right, so get this. I’m here in Dallas, and I have this awesome offer to make: $399 and we side your WHOLE HOME, no matter how big. And I’m calling and calling, because if I can make 10 sales in three days I get a $20 gift card at Appleby’s, and I love love LOVE their Long Island Iced Teas, so I want to get the gift card, right? And I’m on the 716 area code and this guy picks up the phone and says “Hi?” real quiet and I say, “Hello, I am calling with a amazing offer on Vinylla siding,” and suddenly it’s like totally crazy, this guy in the background is yelling about how he’s the judge and who is that and the guy hangs up without saying anything. But the thing is he sounded like the kind of guy who wants siding, and I was really psyched cause I thought I would definitely get the sale and the gift card, and instead the guy hits redial and calls me back and tells me he got put in jail because of my call and I can shove my siding up my ass. Plus, needless to say, I did not get the gift card.

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