Valentine's Day	Falling In Love Again by Buck Quigley

If you look around the drugstore this time of year, you’ll notice a lot of chocolate in red, heart-shaped boxes, and a bunch of people gathering in the greeting card aisle. According to the Greeting Card Association, Valentine’s Day ranks second only to Christmas in volume of cards sent, with over one billion delivered worldwide. Think of it as a billion little arrows flying around the planet, aimed from the bow of that amorous little archer Cupid and his minions at the United States Postal Service—straight at someone’s heart.

Many scholars cite noted love-machine Geoffrey Chaucer as the instigator for all this. If you want to point a finger at someone to bestow credit or assign blame, he might be the guy. In 1382 he wrote a 700-line poem called “The Parlement of Foules”:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day

Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese [chose] his make [mate].

On the church calendar, St. Valentine of Genoa’s Day is May 2, which would have made Chaucer’s description of birds mating around that time of year in old Englonde seem plausible. But as we all know, things—like conventional spelling—can change and get twisted over time. The couple Chaucer wrote the poem for was King Richard II of England and Anne of Bohemia, both 14 years of age. So what we now call an illegal, underage marriage they then called a royal one.

Since the 19th century, when Irish personality Oscar Wilde famously described it as “a bride’s second-biggest disappointment on her wedding night,” Niagara Falls has been a location associated with love. It was also during the Victorian period when the legend of the Maid of the Mist caught on. The version told for many years, even by tour guides on the boats of the same name, was as florid as any romance novel. It involved the beautiful virgin daughter of Chief Eagle Eye, Lelawala, of the Indian tribe the Ongiaras, who worshipped the thunder god Hinum. For unknown reasons, large numbers of the tribe were inexplicably dying. Something had to be done, and it was decided that once a year they would select the most beautiful maiden in the tribe, place her in a white birch bark canoe loaded with fruit, flowers and game and cast her off the banks into the swirling rapids and over the roaring precipice. Her heartbroken father Eagle Eye appears to have chased her over the brink to his doom.

But during her chaotic descent, Lelawala found herself caught and saved by the strong arms of Hinum’s two sons (no details on what became of the fruit, flowers and game). Each desired her. She promised her heart to the one who could tell her why her tribe was dying off. The younger one—a clear candidate for psychoanalysis—explained that a monster snake was lurking down below. Turns out the snake had been entering the village once a year (everything seems to have happened annually then) to poison the water supply. It then returned to devour the bodies. Lelawala’s spirit warned her people about the snake and the next time it entered the town they killed it and that was that. Its dead body forms the curved shape of the Horseshoe Falls.

Of course, this is nothing like the actual story told by the people of the Six Nations—who found concepts of cruel gods and human sacrifice utterly alien. But then, the people of the Six Nations were not the target audience of this legend. This anthropological fiction was likely employed to help perpetuate the reputation of Niagara Falls as the setting for dramatically romantic events and had been taking place far back through the mists of time. The perfect place to plan, say…a marriage or honeymoon.

The song “Shuffle Off to Buffalo” from the 1933 musical 42nd Street reminds us of what our area has meant to countless lovebirds.

I’ll go home and get my panties,

You go home and get your scanties,

And away we’ll go.

Mm mm mm…

Off we’re gonna shuffle,

Shuffle off to Buffalo.

To Niag’ra in a sleeper,

There’s no honeymoon that’s cheaper,

And the train goes slow.

Ooh ooh ooh!

Off, we’re gonna shuffle,

Shuffle off to Buffalo.

Niagara Falls has been the Honeymoon Capital of the World for well over a hundred years. Although places like Las Vegas may have eclipsed it in recent years with the hip and campy wedding-in-a-chapel-performed-by-an-Elvis-impersonator thing, that desert town is really just a pretender to the throne.

Vegas has its whole gambling mystique to serve as a metaphor for marriage—as if to say, “Give it a shot, you might be happy, and if not, you can get divorced next door. Are you in or out?” But with Niagara Falls you have the bogus Maid of the Mist legend, the Oscar Wilde quote, the popular songs and please let’s not forget the image of Marilyn Monroe plotting her crazy husband’s demise with her secret lover while still on her honeymoon in the movie Niagara. The turbines along that river still generate only a fraction of her electricity.

How lucky lovers are in Western New York, to have this matrimonial Mecca right in our own backyard. For those among you who may be contemplating the exchange of vows, Niagara Falls is an option well worth exploring. And for those of you who are also drawn to drama, why not take the whole thing a step further—elope.

Not for the faint of heart, elopement is at once romantic and rebellious. And who can question a union begun with such intimacy, as the couple stands together quietly voicing their clandestine vows to one another, about to reenter life as a team? Well, I suppose lots of people can question it, but guess what—to the couple in love who’ve eloped, it really doesn’t matter who questions it.

And if any unromantic guys reading this remain unmoved by the prospect of such a naked and unquestionable declaration of love, consider this: You will save a lot of headaches if you sneak away. It’s her you love, not the wedding planners, right?

Here then, are some ways you can go about it.

First thing you’ll need is a wedding license. For this you can go to any city clerk or town clerk’s office in New York State. A license obtained from the City Clerk’s Office at 745 Main Street at Cedar Avenue in Niagara Falls will make a nice, romantic memento of the event. Both parties must appear before the clerk and present at least one form of official photo ID such as a driver’s license. You also should bring an age-related document such as a Birth Certificate, Baptismal Record, Naturalization Record or Census Record. There is no blood test or medical exam. If you’ve been divorced, you must show the clerk a certified copy of your divorce decree. The fee is $40 and the license is good for 60 days. However, there is a 24-hour waiting period—presumably to ensure the sobriety of the bride and groom.

If you want to give your elopement a more international flavor, why not go to City Hall in Niagara Falls, Ontario between 8am and 4pm, Monday to Friday, and spend $100 Canadian for a marriage license? A marriage in Ontario is legal in all countries, but there too you’ll need two pieces of ID. No blood test or medical exam is required, and there is no waiting period, but you must be 18 and you’ll need two witnesses. It’s unclear if the witnesses have to be sober or not.

All that’s left to do then is to decide where, when and how, precisely, to do it. There is no shortage of churches and chapels on either side of the border. Many couples have taken the plunge by standing together on the “Flight of Angels” balloon ride and pledging their love ’til death do them part. Another emotionally charged site is at the brink of the Bridal Veil Falls. There, staring hypnotically at the torrent bursting over the edge, you can take a moment to reflect on the river of life that has brought you both to this threshold and taste the excitement and fear that’s been on the lips of newlyweds and other daredevils at this very spot since the 19th century.

Another nice thing about an elopement is that once the ceremony is concluded in Niagara Falls, you are already on your honeymoon. See the sights, go the wax museum, have a nice dinner, gamble. It won’t matter what you do because you’ll be doing it together. And if you hurry, you may be able to pull this all off by Valentine’s Day.