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I work for the city and recently was suspended without pay for 15 days because I was busted using city equipment (okay, and a couple of my employees) to do some work in my yard. I know that’s wrong, etc., but how different is what I did from the white-collar political hacks who take home their city-issued laptops in their city-issued cars? Or who sit at their desks checking auctions on eBay all day long?

—North Buffalo Booster

The Sales Guy says: You have a very valid point. Your fellow employees seem to have the same sense of civic responsibility as you.

Time for a reality check: You work for the people who pay your salary. Your time, the materials, the trucks, the gas—all of it is city property. If you were an honest guy you’d reimburse the people of Buffalo.

And be glad you don’t work for me.

The Straight Perspective: I guess the most disappointing part of your story—and it is a disappointment—is that given the wide range of corruption options available to you, you and your buddies picked something so banal. So dreary, really. I mean, I want my city’s appointed hacks to be taking a dozen strippers to Rio using the city’s Visa card, but instead I’ve got folks digging illicit post-holes and last-minute bidding on cheesy Hummel figurines.

Buffalo’s never going to regain its prominence at this rate.

The Bright Side: So you “borrowed” some city equipment. I’m kind of envious. I always wanted to take one of those yellow tractors for a spin down the 33. Did you at least enjoy the temporary thrill of chopping down a cherry tree in your backyard with a city chainsaw? Perhaps you decided to follow in the footsteps of our first US President…and like George Washington, you learned your lesson. Look on the bright side—at least you have a solid bedtime story to relay your grandchildren.

And the moral of the story is: Don’t steal candy from mom-and-pop convenient stores—or government-owned tool kits.

The Phantom says: Not so fast. Before you start trying to minimize this one infraction in which you actually got caught, let’s continue to examine your list of crimes. What about the day you went over to True Value hardware and purchased an air conditioner for your house with city money? What about all those other purchases? I’d like a new fence around my yard also.

And since when is it okay to host weekly breakfasts for all your cronies at the local VFW, leaving the taxpayer to pick up the tab? The closer we look, you are nothing but a drain on the hard-working citizens who relied on your integrity to make our city a better place. That you now have the nerve to whine about a slap on the wrist that amounts to a three-week vacation is more than I can stand. The mayor may treated you with kid gloves, but be aware that I owe you nothing. Your day of reckoning is close at hand. You’ll know not when I come for you, but come I will. Swiftly, silently, like a thief in the night.

Sleep well, my friend.

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