Ask Anyone	Love Hurts

I am in love with a girl. We were together off and on for about three years until a few months ago when she said she’d had enough.

We had really violent spells in our relationship and, though I went to counseling to try to help fix them, she felt she would never be able to stop being hurt by me. Though I wasn’t the only one who was violent, she feels that she can’t be who she wants to be with me around. Whatever that means…

In any case, she is not in love with me anymore but hopes that we will be together again in the future and still considers me her best friend…and she means for us to get married in a few years. I think a big part of that is we fell in love when we were 18 and she hasn’t had time to sleep with other people. And, though she loves me, she feels trapped when she just wants to be able to be a “normal” 23-year-old for a while.

The thing is, I don’t want to be her best friend. I want to be her girlfriend. I don’t think that I can do what I’ve done before (win her back with my sexiness and promises) but I do want her back badly. Should I just leave her be or should I try to make her see that she does still have love for me and that she shouldn’t ignore it? I am killing myself trying to be a good friend to her…

—Struggling in Buffalo

The Sales Guy says: Breaking up can hurt badly, I grant you that, and my condolences on your love lost, sincerely.

However, just what are you implying regarding “violent spells” and “stop being hurt by me”? Does she need space and some time to sort things out or a restraining order, new deadbolts and a case of pepper spray?

Love sometimes hurts, but never the kind of hurt that leaves a mark, broken bones or blunt-force trauma. My advice is to continue to see a counselor and give her the space she needs…whether ordered to do so by the court or not.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: Ah, young love. So pure. So innocent. So brutally cruel. I hesitate to advise you honestly because it is clear from your story that you do not like to be told the truth and are prone to lashing out at the messenger. But here goes.

You don’t know the first thing about love, sister. And that’s all right. Love is mysterious and hard to define. Even the tools of poetry are known to bend and break at the task. But love is also one of those things like obscenity: You know it when you see it. And the scene you paint ain’t love. You should both look for love elsewhere before these violent episodes explode—provoking irreversible injury.

In 1961, one of the greatest girl groups of all time, the Marvelletes, scored the first #1 hit for Motown Records with the single “Please Mr. Postman.” By 1964, they were facing stiff competition from label-mates like Martha and the Vandellas, and the Supremes. That was the year they passed on recording a little number called “Where Did Our Love Go?” because they thought the lyrics were too childish—and they were right. The song can only strike a chord with teenagers or adults in an arrested state of emotional development—as you seem to be. Still, the song became a #1 smash for the Supremes and Diana Ross continues to perform it to this day. It was a heartbreaking disappointment for the Marvellettes, who had previously been the dominant act in the Motown stable.

As for the heartbreak you are struggling with, I advise you to listen closely to the minor hit the Marvellettes did choose to record in 1964. It’s got a great driving beat and a sentiment that all mature lovers can understand. I submit the first verse for your consideration:

Into each heart some tears must fall

Though you love and lose, you must stand tall

‘Cause we all got to cry sometimes

I said, sigh sometimes

Pull yourself together

No use crying forever

Because there’s too many fish in the sea

Too many fish in the sea

I said, there’s short ones, tall ones, fine ones, kind ones

Too many fish in the sea…

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