Dutch Threat

I’ve just married my boyfriend of five years. He wants us to merge our finances. I’m hesitant, even though he’s a trustworthy guy I love who’s financially stable, and he’s hurt. Is there something wrong with me? I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

—What’s Mine Is Mine

The Gay Perspective: You’re right. It’s a bad idea. Agree to a joint checking account into which you both pay a certain amount each month for household and other joint expenses—but don’t give him control of your money.

Incidentally, did he also whine and insist that you change your name to his?

The Roller Girl says: There are a lot of reasons not to merge finances, and many of them have nothing to do with trust. For example, if you merge certain of your student loans, then even if one of you dies, the other is still liable for the remainder of the debt, while if you do not, and one dies, the deceased’s debt is forgiven. If one of you has an expensive hobby, it may be beneficial to budget the money for purchases to support it by putting it in a separate, individual account.

Meanwhile, household expenses and joint purchases are best done from a joint account into which you each pay a predetermined (and, hopefully, fair) proportion of your income.

This has nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with convenience, independence, and keeping one’s accounting straight. Several of the happiest, most stable, long-term couples I know have adopted this approach, which really makes perfect sense if you believe that marriage is a partnership between equal individuals, not a fusion into an indistinguishable single entity.

party favors

I can’t imagine what to do about this, so maybe you guys can help. Last weekend I went to a party—about a dozen people, I knew everyone, at a friend’s house. I left my jacket hanging over a chair and forgot it. The next day I called the host, apologized and asked if I could come by and get it. She said of course, so I came by and fetched it. When I got in the car I took my wallet out of the jacket pocket and found that the cash in it was gone, $120, and so was a pair of cufflinks my dad gave me.

What’s Mine Is Gone

Ruthless Says: Gee, I dunno…maybe call your hostess and ask her if these things fell out of your pocket? Why not consider first the possibility that this is a simple accident? This way—assuming the items are not found under your chair—you let your host know of your misfortune while alerting her of the criminal in your midst, yet you don’t accuse anybody of anything. After that, the two of you can take a moral inventory of each of the dirty dozen who were there, identify the likely culprit, and you can begin to plan your revenge. (And maybe, just maybe, you can guilt her into thinking that it’s her responsibility).

The Sales Guy says: I would be quite unhinged if this happened to me, but since I seem to have a better class of friends than you do, my impartiality may help.

Looking at this in a purely analytical way, I would first consider the most desperate of your group. Face it, this is not an act of a rational person: Stealing from a friend is pretty twisted. Who’s broke, hooked on smack, massively in debt, owes gambling money to a legbreaker?

Of course, approaching anyone of these people in an accusatory manner usually is a deal-killer as far as friendships go anyway. In a no-win scenario such as this, keep the friends you absolutely trust, broom the iffys, and hope the lost items turn up under a couch cushion.

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