Ask Anyone

return of the thing

About six months ago my boyfriend of five years broke up with me. I had been getting angry about him not trying to find a job after a few months, and about him borrowing money off me constantly. One night he said, “I’m moving out Thursday” (two days later), and he did move—900 miles away. Our relationship was no bed of roses. He was verbally abusive in fights, and would often leave for days after them. There were also great moments over five years through shared vacations, family Christmas, shared hobbies and plenty of intimate moments. I was crushed but eventually pulled myself back up. I spent a lot of time with friends, took a dance class and a martial arts class, and began to date a new guy about two months ago. The new guy is the opposite of the old one: intelligent, cool-tempered, responsible and employed.

Then I went on vacation for a month and reconnected with a former boyfriend from my hometown, and met another new guy. Now the boyfriend of five years has called me in tears, sorry about what he has done. He wants to move back to Buffalo and in with me and give it another shot. But now I have three other men interested in me. I don’t know what to do. I feel even worse because I am a psychologist and still I can’t figure things out. I miss my boyfriend and the things that he had that my new interests do not, such as his rebellious side, my relationship with his family and my comfort and love with him; but I also find good things about all of the men who are interested in me now. Do I go back to what is familiar or do I take a chance on something new?

—Distressed Doc

The Practical Girl says: How about dating for a while? Play the field. I recommend you date them all. Enjoy a busy, active, healthy social life. Continue to date “intelligent, cool-tempered, responsible, employed” guy—my guess is that he comes from a very nice family, too, and I’ll bet that he even buys dinner.

It might also be nice to see “former hometown boyfriend”—I’m sure you have a lot to talk about and friends in common. And why not “another new guy”? He deserves a chance. Maybe the “rebel” can move back here, on his own, and actually court you; that might be a nice change.

Keep all these people around, enjoy the diversity of personalities. You may find that the verbally abusive, missing-in-action rebel does not measure up when hometown guy and intelligent, cool-tempered, responsible guy are around. Don’t make a decision in haste. There are many fish in the sea, and rebel guy…well, he sounds like a bottom feeder.

The Gay Perspective: From what I understand, heterosexual people believe in marrying the man today and changing him subsequently. Write back if that doesn’t work out. Or maybe we’ll just wait to see you on Judge Judy—you know, one of those cases where some guy has taken advantage of a girlfriend and she’s suing him to get her money back? I love the moment when Judge Judy says, “You, sir, are a cad! Do you know what a cad is?”

By the way, are you really a psychologist? And you have never heard of abusive men who feel apologetic afterwards? They’re sorry because, for the moment, they can’t get what they want. When that’s over, they revert to type. Honestly, I think you know what to do.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: As a psychologist, you are familiar with the concept of erotic transference—the shift of feelings and desires for a person from the subject’s past onto the psychoanalyst? Then listen closely. I want you to stop everything immediately and contact my office before you make any decisions you will come to regret. Your emotions are in a swirling state of free-fall and it’s imperative both for your own mental health and for the feelings of these other gentlemen that you immediately attend a few sessions on my couch. I offer this as a professional courtesy. We must explore your past sexual experiences as well as any fantasies that have been crossing your mind to strike at the root of the psycho-sexual turmoil you find yourself in. I have made several interesting discoveries in this area that I would like to share with a bright young colleague like yourself. People in our line of work are complex individuals; I suggest we go to dinner and a movie so I can see firsthand how you behave on a date. Afterward, I’d like to try the latest techniques I picked up during my recent trip to Bangalore, India, which involve exploring various pressure points through therapeutic massage to free up your kundalini.

Finally, realize it’s okay for a psychologist to feel confused. Confusion is natural, and you shouldn’t tear yourself down about it, ever. For example, I never doubt the value of my own techniques, even when they’re called “nutso” by the American Psychiatric Association. Heck, I’m not even a real doctor.

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