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hung for the holidays

Here we are in the middle of the holidays, when it seems there’s some kind of party to attend on an almost daily basis. This is a question that plagues me every year: What is the best cure for a hangover? Are some forms of alcohol less apt to produce a hangover? Please advise.

—Sore Boozer

The Rollergirl says: The number one rule of thumb is to have a safe ride home, of course, because the worst hangover in the world pales in comparison to what can happen out there on the road. But as for the rest—well, who should know better than a rollergirl?

The way to avoid hangovers is basically to know your body and exercise care. The holidays are not about abstaining, but just as your holiday weight gain will be a little less depressing if you take some modicum of care what you eat, and your holiday credit card debt won’t be so unmanageable if you pay attention to what you’re spending, thus your holiday hangovers will be less horrifying if you don’t just drink whatever is handed to you in whatever quantity it’s available. So, when you’re drinking: 1) Drink plenty of water—on a heavy-drinking night, have one glass of water after every alcoholic drink. 2) Avoid, or consume more moderately, very sweet/sugary drinks, or drinks containing almost all alcohol and little to no mixer. Sugary liqueurs are the worst. 3) Try to stay within one family of alcohol on any one night: beers and ciders, or wines and champagnes, or martinis and scotches, or fancy mixed drinks.

When you get home, drink as much water as you can hold, and set a big 32-ounce water bottle by the bed (preferably with an easy-open cap so you can fumble it without spilling) with two aspirin and a little thing of plain crackers. Take an aspirin before you fall asleep, and clear your schedule the following morning if you really overindulged. Fresh ginger root to make tea the next morning (for nausea) is also a good idea.

And seriously: Call a damn taxi. Buffalo’s not that big. It won’t cost you that much.

Straight No Chaser says: If you’ve been pondering this for years and have yet to arrive at any solution for your pounding head and dry tongue, I can only suggest that you go right ahead and get drunk on whatever wretched thing you’re downing—Something with Bailey’s? With a float of festive-looking Midori?—and then stay drunk through the Feast of the Epiphany. That way you’ll only get one hangover, in January, when no one’s having any parties anyway.

the fur bikini question

My wife and I both lost our jobs in the financial sector recently. So, money’s tighter than it has been in years past, but we always try to make Christmas special. This year, I booked us a trip to an exclusive resort in Baja California, because I thought it would give her a great opportunity to wear the new bikini I gave her for her birthday, which is woven from strands of solid gold. It’s an extravagant swimsuit that cost more than a nice car. But in order to buy it, I sold the full-length ermine coat she bought me in Moscow but never wore. Now I find that she has booked us a trip to Stockholm over the holidays, where we’re scheduled to ride up into the hills on a sleigh and stay overnight at a unique hotel constructed entirely of ice. Thrifty as I am, she sold the solid gold bathing suit to finance the trip.

What I really need is someone willing to trade a Mexican vacation for a beautiful ermine coat, but how am I going to pull that off by Christmas? Help!

—Day Trader

Straight No Chaser says: I can’t believe this! You’re the answer to my prayers! It just so happens that this year for Christmas I was intending to give my partner a replica of the fur bikini Raquel Welch so fetchingly donned for her role in One Million Years B.C. But it turns out that on the advice of her Pilates coach, my darling has become a vegan: no meat, no milk, and definitely no fur bikini. I propose that you give me the vacation to Mexico, where I will drink Corona on the beach as I imagine how great your wife must look in her fur bikini, shivering sexily as she lounges by the ice bath at your Stockholm hotel.

Help!Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.