What's That Noise?

Season Ticket

What's That Noise?

by Dave Staba

The Bills’ Canadian adventure starts with a screech and ends in indifferent silence

As I drove down Transit Road shortly before 4pm Sunday, the screeching began. Chosen to sing her country’s national anthem before the first National Football League game ever contested on Canadian soil, Kreesha Turner fumbled.

Sounding like a wildly off-key and perhaps drugged Eartha Kitt, Turner only made matters more painful to give “O Canada” the slow, soulful treatment, allowing the listener’s emotions to range from irritation to embarrassment to denial to anger.

“She butchered it so badly, she was almost booed out of the stadium,” Tim Saracki reported after returning from Toronto, where he represented Season Ticket at Buffalo’s game against Miami. “It was like, sacrilegious for the Canadian fans.”

The Canadian press was even less kind.

“The Edmonton-born songstress rolled out a rendition stuck in slow motion, an old record played at the wrong speed,” read Monday’s National Post. “Her voice was wispy and lost in the stadium echoes, a performance that has since been described in print as ‘weak,’ or ‘dirge-like,’ and ‘a hesitant stab at the anthem.’”

If you substitute “professional football” for “the anthem,” the three descriptive quotes above pretty well describe the performance of the ostensible home team.

For the second straight week, the Bills’ hesitant stabs produced but a single field goal on offense, while their defenders allowed Miami to take control with a touchdown drive early in the first quarter.

Within the span of a month, Buffalo has degenerated from a playoff contender to a struggling group in search of an identity to an unwatchable mess.

MOST VALUABLE BILL: Not applicable.

MYSTERY OF THE WEEK: Actually, this would qualify as mystery of the non-winning portion of Buffalo’s downward-spiraling season.

A week after being widely excoriated for only getting Marshawn Lynch 16 carries on a day when he gutted the San Francisco 49ers for 134 yards in a 10-3 loss, Buffalo offensive coordinator Turk Schonert devised a game plan which resulted in 13 rushing attempts and one catch for Lynch.

ENOUGH ALREADY: The Bills ran 36 pass plays. J.P. Losman was sacked four times and fled upfield five times. On the 27 occasions when he had time to throw the ball, the results were generally abysmal. Just 13 ended up in the right hands, accumulating a total of 123 yards.

Even the most relentless contrarian can not possible argue that Losman has not had every possible chance to show any sign that he is a capable starting quarterback.

Trent Edwards’ play declined after a hot start, but the second-year quarterback’s newfound problems with accuracy and mechanics are the sort of flaws that can be fixed.

This is Losman’s fifth season, but against Miami, he looked like a lost rookie.

NOW THAT’S OPTIMISM: “The future is bright,” CBS analyst Rich Gannon said of the Bills with about four minutes left in the fourth quarter.

At the time, the Dolphins were ahead 16-3 and grinding the ball toward yet another field-goal attempt, which failed.

While Tim and Renee made the trip to the Rogers Centre, I joined with thousands of Bills season-ticket holders in extending our generosity to our Canadian friends by allowing them to pay a couple hundred bucks or more for tickets to the landmark contest.

Instead, much of the rest of the Season Ticket coverage team gathered at the Aud, a new sports bar on Transit, south of Genesee Street.

As the name of the place suggests, there’s heavy hockey theme, with vintage Sabres photos taken at the allegedly soon-to-be-demolished downtown hockey shrine ringing the walls.

The Bills were so demoralizing on Sunday that by early in the second quarter, a visual survey of the roughly three dozen patrons found not a single one paying attention to the game, even though Miami’s lead was only 7-3.

The Dolphins would go on to add three field goals, which would prove wholly unnecessary, since Buffalo approached Miami’s goal line just once.

Late in the third quarter, a couple nice runs after catching the ball by Josh Reed helped the Bills reach the Dolphins’ three-yard line, giving them a chance to pull within three points.

It almost goes without saying that J.P. Losman, filling in for the groin-injured Trent Edwards, decided against handing the ball to the team’s leading touchdown scorer, Marshawn Lynch, and changed the play call to a pass. As is his wont, Losman badly misfired one, allowing Miami cornerback Will Allen to catch the ball and choke off any hopes harbored by Buffalo.

The game was not much more intriguing live than on television, Tim reported from the scene:

On the GO train from Burlington, I was surrounded by groups of Canuck Dolphin fans. I overheard one of them asking another, “Did the game sellout?”

The reply was yes, and the guy said, “Thank God, so I don’t have to hear those commercials anymore.”

Got to Union Station around a quarter after 2. Ren and I searched for a bar in desperation. Tried Jack Astor’s—ZOO! Tried The Moose—a jungle. Texas Grill—fuggitaboutit!

We walked some more to Budweiser’s officially sanctioned beer party and was surprised to find a decent pre-game atmosphere there. It was about 15 degrees, but there on the stage was Dewayne Jessie (Otis from Otis Day and the Knights) singing “Rama Lama Ding Dong,” from Animal House. OTIS MY MAN! A cathartic moment for us doo-wop aficionados.

Then we went through the doors (into the Rogers Centre). No hassle whatsoever I coulda smuggled in the Shroud of Turin and they would not have cared.

Seats were great…until the rest of the crowd filtered in. Not the brightest football fans by any means. The four young bozos who showed up next to us before kick-off were all wearing Leafs jerseys. I figured that would happen.

When the Dolphins were introduced I stood up, the only person in the lower end zone section to do so, and gave them the finger. Renee was scared and embarrassed. Fortunately nothing happened.

Surrounded by Dolphins fans during most of the first quarter I realized it was time to make a move. Told Ren, “We gotta get outta here.”

I pointed to a large empty swath of seats in the nosebleeds and said, “We’re going up there!” She immediately agreed.

When we finally made our way up to the 500 level we were sitting above the 50-yard line with fans who actually understood football. Still, throughout most of the game you could hear a potato chip drop, this became apparent when [Bills cornerback Leodis] McKelvin was trying to arouse the crowd in the end zone before a kick-off to absolute indifference.

When Keanu threw the interception in the end zone we knew it was time to leave, but not until a made a derogatory comment about “Canucks” and a fan responded and made me feel like an (explicit anatomical reference). Which I was.

We walked over to some Italian joint on King street where we watched the final seven minutes. Had some honey garlic wings (they get a B-plus, but that’s only because I had not eaten ALL day) and caught the GO train back after a couple beers at the lounge in the train station where we met Ray, who came down from Northern Ontario because his brother’s dying and wanted to see his favorite team, the Buffalo Bills play. Honest to goodness, really touching stuff.

Canadian fans are pretty cool all and all but I can honestly say I don’t get the feeling they want the NFL anytime soon.

Like it or not, Canadians can look forward to six more regular-season and exhibition games over the next four years. Everyone involved has to be hoping the on-field product gets far more entertaining from here.

You can be pretty sure of one thing: Kreesha Turner won’t be invited back.

Dave Staba has covered the Bills since 1990. He welcomes e-mail at dstaba13@aol.com. To read further analysis of Sunday’s game, go to AV Daily.

Reader Comments

Lloyd A. Marshall, Jr.
11 Dec 2008, 06:35

This is yet another in a long line of non-playoff seasons for the Buffalo Bills.

Rather than bring in good coaches and support staffs who could bring this team toward the top of the NFL, the coaching hires/player transactions presided over by Ralph Wilson this past decade have put this team in a perpetual race to the BOTTOM.

For next season, Ralphie owes the Bills fans(true-blue, fair-weather, or otherwise) a new head coach. A coach who can put together a staff, and then a set of players, who can GET THINGS DONE. Only 2 come to mind: Bill Cowher, or Brian Billick. To hire anyone else because of "economics" is a cop-out and a slap in the face.

C'mon, Ralph! That money isn't going with you to the next world. SPEND IT and bring here a GOOD coach! Do something RIGHT for a change, Ralph, and stop being a blockhead!

Tony Magistrale
12 Dec 2008, 15:44

Boys, It's all a matter of trickle down coaching. When your coach acts like a walking corpse, how can you expect the players to get excited. Did you see the Steelers coach when they played the Patriots? That guy was hugging players, sending encouragement. When was the last time Coach Yer-Wrong ever expressed such emotions? Then again, when was the last time a Bill earned a pat on the back?

Bob Crowell
14 Dec 2008, 19:08

I write this to relieve my apoplectic rage over the Buffalo Bills latest plunge to the depths of ineptitude-- namely the Bills incredible debacle against the New York Jets. The Miami game was nearly unwatchable, but this one was excruciating. All the stars seemed to be aligned for an improbable win against an admittedly superior team, Marshawn Lynch was grinding out hard yards, lineman were blocking effectively, special teams were doing more special things than usual, and our defense actually held the Jets without a first down late in the fourth quarter when it actually meant something! Admittedly, they did manage to let what should have been favorable field position turn on the ensuing short punt turn into a possession at the ten yard line, but this was just going to make thew miracle all the more precious. The faces of the Jets fans registered their shock and disgust. This was going to help make up for much of the pain of our dismal season. I had not figured on the almost inconceivable ability of J.P. Losman and Dick Jauron to fuck things up. It was like watching a one-sided, gym class flag football game. Jauron had the same look on his face that Bush had when they chucked shoes at him during his press conference in Tehran.
It is my graetest wish that Losman and Jauron have to sit next to each other on the plane trip back home. I would rather do naked belly slides down a slag heap that ever watch J.P. Losman start another game.

Lloyd A. Marshall, Jr.
15 Dec 2008, 06:35

This is an ultimatum to Russ Brandon, Ralph Wilson, and all the rest of the One Bills Drive bunch:

When this season ends, FIRE THAT LAMEASS Dick Jauron and the rest of that coaching staff, but keep Bobby April!

Hire in a REAL HEAD COACH. Bring us Brian Billick or Bill Cowher. Personally, I prefer COWHER POWER.

If you don't bring in Cowher... whoever hires him to be their head coach is my team to root for. THINK ABOUT IT, Ralph!

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What's That Noise?

by Dave Staba

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