FACEBOOK REDUX

I’m usually the last one to hop on a trend, and it looks like I’m that way again—this time about Facebook. I’ve been hearing more and more people talking about it, and more and more friends telling me how great it is. I don’t know what it is about me, but I like to stay aloof when it comes to tech stuff. Never been in a chat room. Never even sent a text message on the cell phone I reluctantly carry.

The other day, I was over at a friend’s house, and she was sending a message to somebody on Facebook. We were talking, and I was looking over her shoulder, and I noticed the name and face of an old flame among her “friends.” Later on, we went out to check out some bands, but I couldn’t focus on anything. Couldn’t keep a decent conversation going. The old flame had come barging into my brain. The relationship had ended with a lot of loose ends. There were a few things I know I could’ve done better, and some stuff I know she wished she’d handled differently. It was sad back then, that pride wouldn’t let us both transcend all that because I still feel, on some deep level, that she was “the one.”

I couldn’t bring myself to admit why I was acting like such a wet blanket, so I just left my friend at the bar and went home. I stayed up until dawn, listening to a CD my ex had bought me, until the garbage trucks came groaning down my gray side street in the cold, morning mist. It was time to face another day. Another day without her in my life. All because I’m a stubborn, old-fashioned fool.

What do you think? Should I join Facebook?

—Poke Me

Dining Out says: Its normal for erratic feelings to bubble to the surface of the brain anytime we see old flames (whether you see them in person, in paintings, or in photographs on lame websites). But the real issue here is why should you follow a social trend? Sooner or later, all trends end. That’s why they’re called trends. AOL came and went, MySpace is ‘so over,’ and sooner or later Facebook will roll over in its grave when some new form of cyberspace communication takes over.

I guess its up to you to decide if you want to be part of something that has meaning and is timeless and classic or participate in a fleeting trend.

The Layout Artist says: Facebook is a great way to stalk girls that you might not be able to talk to otherwise. I used to have to get dressed, wait for nightfall, creep around and peek in windows or climb a tree to get a glimpse of my ex lady. Now I just log on Facebook, nude with a nice box of blush (I used to have to put the wine in a backpack while I climbed up the tree), and admire away. Sometimes I leave cryptic messages on her wall, like “that red shirt you wore to bed last night made you look fat (and no one will ever love you like I do).” I even printed out a picture of her and her new boyfriend that I put on my fridge! Oh and Shelly, if you are reading this, message me so we can turn my solo naked Facebook nights into a duet.

The Sales Guy says: So you want to open up gaping, debilitating open emotional wounds and mope around feeling sorry for yourself because...? Were you not happy living the rest of your life using past experiences both good and bad as life lessons to become a better person?

Facebook seems to be an excellent resource for getting back into bad emotional orbits from the past. When you thought you were out, Facebook pulls you back in! Don’t get me wrong, it obviously has good points and it’s a gossip’s Nirvana—but why go there when just a glance over a shoulder put you in an emotional tailspin ?

Don’t go there unless you’re prepared for the consequences.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: Dude, I don’t know what to tell you except to quote from an ancient Hindu text uncovered in a remote cave in India by a colleague of mine last winter. Experts in the field are trying to determine whether or not it is in fact a lost chapter of the Kama Sutra, but whether the text is apocryphal or not, I believe the central message is important for you to learn. It roughly translates: “Chicks can smell desperation, and to them it smells like shit.”

Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.