ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t you think it’s time you toned down your manic aspirations? Aren’t you curious about the sweet, sensitive success that could be yours if only you got really calm and peaceful? Wouldn’t it be interesting to explore the more manageable opportunities that might become available by accepting your limitations with humble equanimity? APRIL FOOL! Don’t you dare do any of those things, Aries. Your spiritual duty for the foreseeable future is to be a brave initiator of ingenious experiments . . . a high-powered self-starter who competes primarily with yourself . . . a pioneering warrior who’s in quest of transcendent exploits that make it unnecessary to go to war.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): As you enter testing time, I may be the only astrologer who has enough tough love to wake up your inner teacher, ensuring that you’ll get the expert help you need. And I may be the only psychic healer who can polish your aura and help you dispose of the karmic gunk that has been gumming up your luck. APRIL FOOL! I’m powerful, but not that powerful. My job is to alert you to the work that must be done so that you can do the work yourself. P.S. For best results, blame no one for any sadness you may feel, and take full responsibility for creating your own happiness.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Please do not snort meth in a hot-air balloon with fake Peruvian shamans as you fly to a secret CIA fortress where you put on a mask and play strip poker with high-ranking members of the conspiracy to create one world government. APRIL FOOL! There’s no way you’ll be invited to a whacked-out spectacle like that. Your wildness does in fact need expression, but it will be perfectly satisfied with less whacked-out adventures that are healthy for you and leave no messes in their wake. Monitor yourself for any urges you may feel to seek out over-the-top melodramas.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): So many miraculous images of Jesus have been appearing in Cheetos corn chips lately that a new cult of “Cheesus” worshipers has sprung up. I suggest you consider the possibility of joining them. This is a favorable time to switch your religious affiliation to a faith that puts great stock in goofy miracles. ARPIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. There’s really no mandate for you to become a Cheesus Freak. But it is a fine time to add tender irreverence and fun-loving funkiness to your spiritual aspirations.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I have a message for the city of Los Angeles, regarded by most astrologers as a Leo: It would be wise to accept the offer of tequila manufacturer Jose Cuervo, which has offered to pay a handsome sum for the right to put its advertising sign beneath the huge Hollywood sign in the Hollywood Hills. APRIL FOOL! This is a bad time for all Leos, including L.A. and you, to sell their souls. In fact, the universe is conspiring to bring you practical rewards for simply being your beautiful self. I suggest you proceed according to the hypothesis that radiating your highest integrity is the finest form of self-promotion.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is an ideal time to have sessions with a sex therapist so as to get to the root of any inhibitions that might be preventing you from claiming your full measure of orgasmic enlightenment. APRIL FOOL! While this is a fantastic time to deepen your access to the spiritual gifts of erotic bliss, you won’t need a therapist to accomplish it. Here’s all you really require: 1. a fantasy of making love with an inscrutable deity who has four arms, the better to hug you with; 2. a pretend aphrodisiac made from the peaches of immortality that you’ll steal from the tree of life in your dream tonight; 3. an invisible sex toy that you create in your mind’s eye while you’re meditating about the most sublime situation you’ve ever been in.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Maybe someday you will allow yourself to act more like an Aries. You know, you’ll barge ahead along a path of your own making. You’ll follow the siren call of your good instincts instead of the waffling questions of your fine mind. You’ll relish the scary sounds from up ahead as potential opportunities to triumph over your fear and hone your willpower. Don’t do any of that stuff yet, though. You’re not ready for the challenge. Maybe in a few years. APRIL FOOL! Here’s the truth, Libra: Now is an excellent time to act more like an Aries.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Sometime in the next week, the spirits of Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, John the Baptist, and Jean-Paul Sartre will come to you in a vision to tell you how to prosper during the coming Great Depression. With their expert tips you will spend the years 2010-2013 safe and sound and well-fed in a gated community while millions of your fellow humans are rioting in the streets over scraps of food. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is a lie. The more modest truth is that you now have access to great insight about how to increase your long-term stability and security. Take advantage!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In a letter to Santa Claus last December, a child from Seattle wrote, “Dear Santa, Can you give me a very special superpower? What I want is to be able to make up songs everywhere I go, and not have to work so hard to think of things to say to people because a fresh, beautiful song will magically pour out of my mouth for all occasions.” I’m happy to announce that if this child is a Sagittarius, his or her wish could soon come true. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is not a literal reality. But it may have metaphorical value. The truth is, many of you Sagittarians will be very fluid and imaginative in the coming weeks. You may be able to create pretty much anything you put your mind to.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I’m definitely not encouraging you to go to Youtube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a piano. You’ve got more important things to do, and shouldn’t waste your time on trivial diversions. So get down to business! Commit your whole being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don’t waver from your laser-focused intention! APRIL FOOL! The truth is that if you want to succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding perfection. So go watch the hamster. It’s at tinyurl.com/agywon.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Nothing but great news for you as far as the eye can see, Aquarius. You’re much more likely than usual to win a contest and be told you’re hot and find loose money on the sidewalk. I bet you’ll also get an invitation that you never imagined possible and an offer to have a conversation with a person you admire. Nor would I be surprised if you finally garner a certain form of recognition you’ve been pining for, get a message that will change your life in a sweet way, and discover a brand new trick for experiencing pleasure. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. Maybe one or two of those wonderful things will happen (at most, three), but not all of them. Don’t be greedy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I predict that sometime soon you will time-travel to 2012 and then return to the present. While on your journey, you’ll learn the outcome of three major sports events that will happen between now and then. This knowledge will eventually help you win large bets that earn you millions of dollars. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You won’t literally engage in time travel, and you won’t get access to valuable sports scores. I bet you will, however, take a semi-magical excursion into the future via a vivid dream or meditative vision, where you’ll get a clear idea of what would ultimately work and not work about your current experiments in happiness.

There is no God. “No pain, no gain” is the ultimate truth. Life is a bitch and then you die. APRIL FOOL! Those assertions are profound yet idiotic lies.