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catholic tastes

I’m not a Catholic, but I’ve been dating a nice Catholic girl for over a year now. On one of our first dates, she took me to her parents’ house for Easter dinner. I enjoyed the ham a great deal, but I really wish I would’ve been a little less talkative. You see, I wasn’t brought up to follow any particular religion. Every once in a while I’d see the inside of a church when my parents were obliged to attend a wedding or a funeral, but not every church was a Catholic one, I don’t think. But I know who the Pope is. I mean, he’s bigger than the Dalai Llama.

Anyway, I realized that the supper table is not the place to find out more about Catholicism from a family of Catholics. At least not on Easter. Not a good time to ask what was up with all those priests who were found out to be child molesters. Not good to ask why, in all these places being overrun by AIDS, why the Church tells people not to use condoms. And above all else, don’t even talk about people who haven’t been born yet. Trust me. Do not do it.

By some miracle, we began dating again after a several-month hiatus. We were both unhappy apart. So, I agreed to be more open to the religion. I even started attending classes, which would, in theory, lead to my becoming Catholic. She’s been thrilled, and I’ve been happy too, but there’s a big part of me that’s filled with doubt. A priest told me that’s part of the struggle of faith.

This Easter, we’re going back to her family for another try. Her mother, for one, has been praying for me for a year. But I feel weak. Like I can’t go through with this whole thing. I love the daughter. Why do I have to follow her religion, too?

Lent Me a Hand

The Roller Girl: Your main struggle, pardon my frankness, is going to have to be to learn not to be an asshole. The way to make friends with people, especially in the way one makes friends with people one is planning on having around a long time, such as potential future in-laws, is to not be an asshole. Try this one: If among members of a social group about which you know only controversial things, choosing those controversial things to bring up in a confrontational manner is a pretty tried-and-true recipe for disaster. A good rule of thumb is to start on the operating assumption that this person you care about, and the people she loves and is from, are probably decent people; starting on that assumption, you can find out what’s actually good about this thing you’ve only heard bad things about.

My own parents are a “mixed” marriage: My father is Catholic and my mother Dutch Reformed. They were married by a Catholic priest and a Reformed minister collaboratively. The Catholics are pretty open to this sort of thing, believe it or not—if you’re not an asshole. You don’t necessarily have to convert, you’ve just got to negotiate the details ahead of time—Any kids? Catholic or not?—how to handle various life ceremonies, how to divide responsibilities. And then, you just have to not be an asshole. In 32 years of marriage my mother and father have kept their peace without ever quite agreeing, and we’ve all had a lovely upbringing, free from child molestation and with pretty grounded, real-world ideas about most things, and an extra-special appreciation of how nice life can be if everyone just agrees not to be assholes.

So the real question is, are you willing to stop being such a smug jerk, or is even your proclaimed love for this woman not going to be enough for that?

The Practical Cogitator says: My brother—raised like all my siblings in a vague, nondenominational Christianity—became a Muslim to please the family of his wife. I asked him if he felt like a cretin, pretending to adopt a belief that meant so much to her parents that they’d insist on her husband taking up their faith. He said he didn’t care any more about their religion than he’d cared about the religion of our parents. His conversion was a means to an end.

If you’re like my brother, go with God: Keep your head low, coast through those pre-Cana courses, and have a nice honeymoon.

However, it sounds like you’ve got a pesky case of conscience. (Remember what Terry says to Edie in On the Waterfront: “Conscience? That stuff’ll make you crazy.”) In which case you’ve got some talking to do on the one hand, and some shutting up to do on the other. Talk to your Catholic girl. Odds are good that she can look over your ecumenism, and even your agnosticism if it comes to that, if she believes in your love. And shut up around her parents, who are under no pressure to be so liberal with you.

Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.

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