project vote snark

Buffalo’s school board election is coming up on Tuesday, and I don’t know who the hell any of these people are—challengers or incumbents.

Odds are I’m not going to learn between now and Tuesday, to be honest. And I’m not asking for recommendations, either, so save your breath.

Here’s my question: Is it unethical for me to go into the poling place on Tuesday and just vote randomly?

—Absentee Ballot

Blind Justice says: It ain’t your fault that they run this crazy election in almost total secrecy. I take it you ain’t a big fan of the incumbents, or you’d have their names memorized like the rest of their unblinking followers do. In which case, you already know what you’re gonna do, because your boss or somebody told you you’d better, or else. Right? But you ain’t like that.

So, what I’m hearing is that you want to be a good citizen and all that. Do what’s right for the children and so on. There’s what, like eight or nine candidates? Here’s what you do. You go to your polling place, walk into the voting booth, you close your eyes, and you pull three levers. Bing, bang, done. Odds are, you’ll have voted for more than one challenger. That’s just simple math.

Think. If everybody turned out at the voting booths on May 5 and took this simple approach, we’d have a decent chance of waking up on Wednesday with a new school board. Or at least a new member or two. And since none of the challengers seem to be standing for anything remotely like the incumbents have stood for for the past five years, ya gotta think that’d be a good thing for the city, huh?

Another tip? Pull levers near the top or at the very bottom of the list.

And when you’re done voting, maybe we can all grab our pitchforks and torches and march downtown demanding to know why our tax money is wasted by making the Erie County Board of Elections set up voting booths and man them with election workers all over the city in May for a special election in which only a small fraction of people participate. Hey Chris, where the Hell is your Six Sigma solution to this pathetic charade?!

The Practical Cogitator says: Are you happy with the present state of the Buffalo Public Schools? I suggest voting for any new candidate! Throw the Bastards Out!!! New ideas, new blood, new attitudes, new direction for our students!

The Straight Perspective says: Hey, what the heck? Just take your single most important civic duty and completely ignore it! Who cares if you accidentallly vote for a Nazi? Who cares if you vote for someone who doesn’t believe in evolution? I mean, all they do is decide the future of the city’s kids, right?

Ruthless says: If you plan on voting, you’ve got to pay a modicum of attention to the candidates before hand. There’s plenty of time to educate yourself before next Tuesday. Why is it that “the odds are” that you aren’t going to learn between now and then? If you don’t have time to read the abundance of available campaign literature, how do you think you’re going to have time to get up and vote when the time comes? How do you even have time to post this question? Now you’re really wasting your time. And ours.

Agent Winnow says: Go ahead! Who gives a damn? As they say, 50 percent of success is just showing up.

It’s your civic duty to vote, not to be smart about it. No society can require you to educate yourself. On the other hand, the very nature of society is that it requires you not to be an asshole. So you might consider this: If you don’t vote, and if you don’t study the candidates and the issues before you vote, you forfeit all right to complain about anything. If you complain anyway, you’re an asshole.

Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.