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Ask Anyone

An Immovable feast

I’ve been married for 17 years (don’t ask my age!) and my husband and I have made a good partnership. You wouldn’t say there’s a lot of fire there, but we love each other and we’ve got a good thing going. I know I’m not perfect, and believe me I know he’s not either.

Lately though I’m starting to have a real hard time with his table manners. He’s a total pig...he eats with his hands, shovels his food down, sometimes chews with his mouth open. At home and in restaurants and in other people’s homes. It disgusts me. He’s probably always been like this but I just noticed now, after all these years, and it’s making me crazy. What can I do? And don’t tell me to talk to him about it—I have, and he just shrugs it off and tells me to relax.

Does this happen to all couples—one day you wake up and your significant other is an ape?

—Me Jane

The Gay Perspective: I wouldn’t go too rough on his table manners. You don’t want him writing to “Ask Anyone,” wanting to know if every husband wakes up one day to realize that his wife is a nag. Honestly, after 17 years, the only people on the planet whose table manners you should be critiquing are those of your children (if any)—and that prerogative expires once they are out on their own. Mention it to him gently; joke about it from time to time; but beyond that—back off. Any longtime spouse can tell you—there are worse things he could do.

Dining Out says: Trough for Two? As a woman, I appreciate a man with “bon appetite.” But dining with a barnyard animal is a total turnoff. May I suggest you gently nudge your husband in the proper direction without being too critical? Perhaps you can phrase it like this: “Honey, I’m going to take your advice and relax tonight...I really want us to experience this meal together...and I find it very attractive when you share your food with me.” If he continues to eat like a Neanderthal, excuse yourself from the table. Tell him his manners are offensive and you’d rather dine in solitude. Do not cook him meals and refuse to accompany him to dinner. Eventually, he’ll get tired of eating alone and come around. If he doesn’t, there’s always Dr. Phil.

The Sales Guy says: Pardon me for bringing this small but important fact up but after 17 years of seeing food spewing forth onto yourself your family and friends from your David Niven clone of a hubby you have now decided he’s a pig? Have you awakened from a coma and just now discovered this abhorent behavior? Face your grim reality, you’ve heard you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Well, as a born again Martha Stewart, you’ll find that it applies to pigs as well. You’ve made your sty over the last 17 years. If you’ve been happy with him this long consider it a trade off. If It’s the last straw it’s ultimatum time. My call, he’ll just laugh.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: I once thought I had great success counseling a couple in your predicament. After lengthy therapy, the husband was able to improve his table manners to the point that he ate everything with a knife, fork, and spoon. But our therapy went too far. He quickly developed a phobia of putting anything near his mouth without using some kind of utensil. He held his toothbrush with a set of tongs. Naturally, sex became totally out of the question. An odd consequence was that the wife began sleep-eating everything from hot dogs dipped in whipped cream to chocolate covered knockwurst. She ballooned to 400 pounds. I know because I saw them at a restaurant, and quickly ran, vowing I would never try to treat such a trivial disorder again.

But we could always go out to dinner some time if you wind up dumping Mongo.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.

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