luck o' the irish

I was out with a bunch of friends downtown for the St Patrick’s Day parade, and we got drunk in every bar we could walk to. We stayed out late, and finally the crowd started to fall apart. As I staggered home, I stopped in for one more nightcap. When I went into the men’s room, I found a $100 bill crumbled up next to the sink.

I shoved it in my pocket, went back out, finished my drink, and went home.

The next day, I felt guilty. A hundred bucks is a lot of money to most people. I know it’s a lot to me. But how on Earth could I begin to return this money to its rightful owner? If you can come up with a way to do that, I won’t go out and blow this $100 on debauchery this weekend.

—Bothered by a Benjamin

The Gay Perspective: You could have told the bartender that you found something valuable in the men’s room and that if someone reported something missing and was able to describe it, you would return it to him.

The Practical Cogitator says: $100 Bucks on St. Patrick’s Day! Who knew the Pot of Gold was in the john?

As Woody Allen said, “Take the money and run, and cross your fingers the fellow who lost it doesn’t have a gun.”

Aberrant in Allentown says: Obviously, it would be near impossible to find it’s rightful owner. So if you want a clean conscience, donate it to a charity. Otherwise, assume it was earmarked to be spent on debauchery in the first place—you did find it crumpled up at a bar, after all.

Pay tribute to the poor soul who lost it. A hundred bucks buys a good bit of debauchery. If you want to spread the fortune around you can always buy me a couple rounds. Clean consciences are overrated anyway.

The Straight Skinny: I am so psyched someone found that C-note. I thought for sure it was gone daddy gone, love is gone. You can just drop it off at Artvoice for me.

Ruthless says: Return to the scene of the crime. Crumple that $100 back up and put it right back where you found it. Now you’ve passed your moral dilemma on to the next person who sees it there. (Hey, Next Person! Write us and let us know what you do with it!)

The Ad Man says: Why not take the Gay Perspective’s advice? But since you can’t turn back the hands of time to do what you should have done in the first place, why not make a public appeal in a forum like, say, the Artvoice Classified Section? Did you know that Artvoice is distributed to over 2,000 locations and has 270,000 monthly readers over the age of 18? An added bonus is the fact that Artvoice.com has an average of 295,332 page views by visitors every month. Call 881-6124 for details.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: Did you know that there are psychoanalytical theories about money, symbolically equating it with everything from feces to semen? Consider the term “making a pile” of it. Pretty gross, huh? Oh yes, I could go on and on about what that wadded up little bill means to your unconscious mind, but I’m not in the habit of giving away my expertise for free.

Now I’m going to tell you something you might find as shocking as it is relieving. Keep the money. Go out this weekend and spend that $100 on every frivolous thing you can think of. Why? Because I put it there on the sink in the men’s room. I knew you would pick it up, pocket it, and make a quick exit.

It was worth it to me because that comely Irish lass at the end of the bar—the one with the lovely hair, the sharp wit, and keen lust for life that I had been angling for—remarked through a haze of whiskey that she thought you were cute.

With you out of the way, I was able to continue my hunt unchallenged. And let me tell you, boyo, that move was worth every penny.

Ask Anyone is local advice for locals with problems. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.