Competent Management

The city of Buffalo and the Olmsted Parks Conservancy agreed to a 5-year deal on Apr. 16 to pay the non-profit group $1 million annually to run the city’s historic parks system. Let’s all take a moment to breathe a sigh of relief on that call.

Cheap Shots

Buffalo, say hello to your newest bitch. Johnny Boychuk, the Boston Bruin whose vicious slash knocked out Sabres star Thomas Vanek on Apr. 17, had the gall to protest his innocence after, claiming not to know “what all the fuss is about.”

Eric Massa

The ex-NY congressman—who resigned last month amid allegations he sexually harassed male staffers—claimed on Apr. 17 that his name had been forged on a $40,000 check paid to one of the accusers. Frankly, we didn’t know they dug holes that deep.

Trans-Bandits

Police in Amherst are on the lookout for a man who robbed a bank on Apr. 20 while disguised—by all accounts—as a trashy sorority girl. Police describe the suspect as donning a wig, trucker hat and a pair of those awful oversized sunglasses.

Birds of a Feather

Erie County Exec. Chris Collins—no stranger to insensitive comments himself—lent support to Carl Paladino on Apr. 21, claiming that he too was the victim of a “smear campaign” by opponents. We’re still waiting on that Apocalypse, Chris…

Age of Theodore Sypnier of Buffalo, who is New York’s oldest registered sex offender. Sypnier was sentenced to two years in prison on Apr. 16 for violating his parole by refusing to attend mandatory classes. Sypnier still has a way to go to claim the coveted title of America’s oldest pedophile, currently held by 103-year-old Bert Jackson of Utah.