god's gift to men

Ok here’s the problem....I’m supposed to be “in love” with this guy but I’m not. The only reason I told that I love him was out of fear and guilt. There have been other guys that I have hung out with and would much rather take an interest in but if I tell guy “A”, I know it will break his heart, he will blame himself, etc., etc. I don’t know what to do.

—Fool for Love

The New Guy says: Break it off with him before you hurt him worse in a different way. If you just keep leading him on then he’s eventually going to realize that you’re seeing other guys and that you’re not in love with him. If you cheat on him and he finds out he’ll flip out, if you take the mature route and be honest maybe you guys can still be friends. At least have the guts to tell him how you feel now before your actions tell him for you.

Dining Out says: Before you toss your nice guy aside ask yourself these questions: Does he treat you well? Does he make you laugh? Is he a family guy? Is he successful? You may not be passionately in love with him but that’s what happens after you’ve been with someone for a while. They become your best friend and the lust subsides. Ask yourself why you feel fearful and guilty? Are you guilty because you’re thinking about other men while you’re still with someone who happens to be loyal and loving? All I can say is you’d better figure out if you really like these other guys or if you’re just physically attracted to them because that kind of attraction doesn’t last.

To the Point says: Grow up, quit lying, and break it off.

Less is More says: Stop showering for about two weeks. The problem should solve itself.

Ruthless says: How can you stand choking out those three words when you don’t mean them? Must be like swallowing razor blades. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it. You are destroying the integrity of the word “love” for yourself—it might end up leaving a bad taste in your mouth for evermore. Think about when you meet someone you actually DO love? Will you experience a pang of guilt each time those dreaded words are expected of you? Not only do you not “love” the guy, you have active interest in other people, so it’s only a matter of time before you end up ripping “A”’s heart out. You should just rip it out already, before things get all “Desperate Housewives” on your ass...

The Gay Perspective: I’m stuck on your assertion that “the only reason I said that I love him was out of fear and guilt.” Guilt I understand, but fear? Of what exactly? Of being alone? That you can do better? That you CAN’T do better? And let me understand the rest of this: you prefer these other guys? So what’s the problem? They just aren’t interested in you? Well, I’m going to confide something in you that I’ve never told another person: Ricky Martin and Neil Patrick Harris haven’t been calling me either—and yet, somehow I’ve managed to find happiness with a regular guy who loves me, and despite the odds, I have kept my self-esteem intact. And the most surprising thing of all—I thought the love of my life would be taller, richer, more muscular, and much less of a bitch when he got moody. Funny how these things work out.

You need to sort through your feelings. I’m not convinced, by your letter, that you don’t have feelings for this guy, but if you’re sure, then the ethical thing to do is to let him down easy and move on. If you simply think that you can do better, then I suspect this guy is too good for you. If the real problem is that you are confused and don’t know what to do, you might consider professional counseling. There is obviously more to this picture than your vague letter discloses. We don’t always know when the love of our life comes along.

The Straight Skinny: This is the crummy part of relationships, yes? The trade-off for the euphoria of love is that sometimes you have your heart ripped out, and sometimes, even worse, you have to do it to someone else. And there is absolutely no good way to proceed, which has prompted many bad metaphors (“It’s just like ripping off a Band Aid!”) and many terrible songs (“Total Eclipse of the Heart”) and some truly awful rom-coms (Did You Hear About The Morgans? a.k.a. Did You Ever See A Worse Movie In Your Life?). Now, sadly, it’s time for you to star in your own lousy break up movie—and you’ll be playing the jerk who leaves the really nice main character. The consolation is that somewhere down the road, you’ll get to be the lead. And, with any luck, they’ll cast George Clooney as the guy you ride off into the sunset with.

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