porn again

My boyfriend watches lots and lots of porn online. Our sex life is perfectly fine, and on all other matters we’re simpatico. And I’m not really offended by his use of porn as a woman, though maybe I should be. He’s not secretive or deceptive about it, so there’s not that creepy angle. What worries me about it is that it’s so compulsive. If this were heroin, he’d be a junkie, and if it were Oreos he’d weigh 500 pounds. What do I do?

—Surfer’s Girl

Dining Out says: You have a few options. You can say, “hey buddie, I’m right here. Why do you need to watch porn?” Or you can try to see if you can stomach watching it with him. I guess some couples enjoy that. Or you can enroll in couples therapy.

The Practical Cogitator says: Can you treat it like a football addiction? I mean there are a whole lot of football and hockey widows out there. These women who could care less about sports go shopping during games, or meet their female friends for dinners, drinks, movies etc. Let the guy surf the net, and take that time to watch a chick flick, read a book, or engage in your own hobbies. You said your sex life is fine, it’s when his online interests start to interfere that you have a real problem.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: I know a woman who broke it of with her man over this very issue. She’s a tough one, and didn’t approve of his porn intake at all. Once she decided to dump him, here’s what she did: She hooked up with a doctor and secretly filmed her own homemade porn flick without the guy knowing. And she really hammed it up. I mean, the breathing...the facial expressions. The woman really has talent. I never knew for a minute that she was filming us.

Then, she wrapped it up and gave it to her boyfriend on his birthday.

Oh, it was harsh. I wouldn’t wish that on any man. But, if it’s something that intrigues you, I’m up for just about anything.

dog daze

What’s the best way to handle a dog owner who doesn’t pick up his dog’s crap? I’m tired of seeing dog crap on my lawn, on my neighbor’s lawns, on vacant lots, everywhere in the city. What’s the best way to confront these people?

—Scoop

The Sales Guy says: Well if this dog owner actually leaves this steaming gift on your property in front of you I suggest whistling said gift his or her way. However I would strongly suggest calling out something like “Hey you forgot something” while it’s airborne so they may turn around facing the incoming parcel—that’s if, of course, your timing is spot on.

If however this gift was left while you were elsewhere you may need some investigative skills, witness interviews, and neighbor meetings to determine the perpetrator and a counter strike equal to the crime! An eye for an eye and a POOP for a POOP!

Dining Out says: Put the poop is a plastic baggie and leave it on their front door.

The Photographic Memory says: I once had a neighbor, Elmer, who used to let his dog crap all over everyone else’s yard, and never picked it up.

Everyone knew it was him, too...and he did not seem to care. One of my other neighbors, Bob, used to get really mad, and confronted him about it several times.

Still, the guy let his dog crap on Bob’s lawn. So one evening, upon finding several piles of dog crap on his lawn, Bob scooped it all up in a shovel, walked down to Elmer’s house, and dumped it right on the windshield of his car.

That pretty much ended it, right there.

The Practical Cogitator says: Well, Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye, and the whole world goes blind.” Makes me think that piling poop on this guy’s lawn might not be the way to go. I mean “A poop for a poop and the whole neighborhood goes to shit...” Doesn’t seem like the answer to me. I suggest just talking to the guy next time you see him walking the dog, and simply say “Cut it out!” You and your neighbors could have a stakeout, with cell phone cameras, etc., gather up some photo evidence and sponge him with an album, along with a letter, signed by all the pooped-upon parties. That might do the trick.

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