Branson repopens Necker Island

By Evonne Brossard

Foreign Correspondent

Your intrepid reporter here today, this is Evonne Brossard wishing you a fantastic Holiday season.  Are you a budding cult member? Need a remote Caribbean island to lay down your plans? Want to feel warm trade winds blowing through your hair? And as Kristin Kook says with, “More blowing going on tonight, tee hee.”

Well, I have the place for you. Richard Branson has just announced that his Cult Hideaway is open and ready for business! Check out the renovations below:

Overhead view of Cult Paradise, aka ‘Naked Island’…ummm…I mean Necker Island. Plenty of space to conduct initiations, vagina branding, sleep deprivation, and medical experiments. Oh my!


Inside view of the newly renovated common areas. Perfect to observe and conduct human fright experiments.





Want to wine and dine airhead heiresses? You can do that here also! Impress clueless imbeciles with way too much money to spend and no common sense. Our facility encourages this!





With a bed fit for a Vanguard.


Rates start at $50,000 per night. Can host up to 40 people.


While the glory days of Necker Island –

Kristin Kreuk and Allison Mack on Necker Island.


Lama Tenzin at Necker Island with Allison Mack.


It was reported by John Tighe that there was a lot of planning for NXIVM finances in 2010 at Necker Island. I can hear Nancy Salzman addressing the NXIVM contingent at Necker Island “My friends, it is indeed a financial pleasure to have so many of ya resemble here on this auspicious occasion…”

But that was the past and with Salzman indicted, new leadership is needed.

As for Necker Island, for more info, please call 1-800-GET-AWAY. If that number is busy, try 1-800-CRM-PAYS. See you soon!

About the author

Frank Parlato


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  • Nice, Evonne! (Hey, spelled your name right this time.) You’re very funny. Keep ‘em coming, please.

  • Kristin Kook and Ally Wack were on Necker Island with other top NXIVM people. Of course they knew about money laundering plans exposed by John Tigue. Of course they knew that they were both named in Joe O’Hara’s lawsuit as likely future defendants – and why. Of course they knew they were both named in the Albany Times Union expose that exposed Keith Raniere as a raper of little girls. Tee hee!

    What useless pricks the mainstream press are. Do your damn jobs. Tee hee!

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