Dear followers of the Vanguard. This is Part 5 of the Keith and Cami texts.
For ardent followers of the enlightened Vanguard, I suggest you skip this post since it is highly embarrassing. In it Vanguard texts Cami about her making a lifelong commitment to being his slave, and asking her to vow to never be with another man so long as she lives. Naturally, he has to ask her about the other man she was once with – Robbie – and the nature of their sex.
He wants extreme collateral to ensure that she never sees another man as long as she lives. [And in this we see the beginnings of DOS.] He also wants to know quite a few details of their sex and makes several revelations about himself that followers of the Vanguard might not wish to read about.
You might get the impression that this man is an asshole.
The year is 2015. Raniere is 54. Cami is 24-25.
February 22, 12:25 p.m.
[Keith the self sacrificing one speaks of how he is literally bleeding for Cami.]
KEITH: I’ve taken on too much, my body is not supporting it.
CAMI: What’s going on?
KEITH: … I’m really bleeding….. I need you to drop your pride and love me purely.
CAMI: Literally bleeding?
CAMI: Do you need me to call anyone?
KEITH: No, it won’t help.
CAMI: Will you be okay?
KEITH: I have many doctors at my disposal. I don’t know. Every time you’re angry or prideful, I take on more.
March 6, 2:26 p.m.,
KEITH: Did you make a life commitment [of slavery] to me yesterday?
CAMI: Yes and no. Please explain. I am scared shitless and feel a loss, but at the same time it is the best gift I could give you and us. I am telling you that you are more important than happiness, kids, the house, the job. [which he asked her to give up] I hold you higher than any of those. That is how much I want love to weigh in me, more than anything. That is why yes and no. I am saying goodbye to everything I want, but I know that I am choosing love and now I know how valuable I want it to be. So yes, I made a life commitment.
March 12, 8:56 p.m.
KEITH: … I am in a far more intense situation. I love more and stronger. I sacrificed far more. I’ve lived far longer and you are far more selective and the stuff you don’t understand [is] you were my parampara and my purpose is diminished because of it [her affair with Robbie].
CAMI: You’re what? Parampara?
[This is a Hindu concept of guru and disciple, of the disciple becoming a guru and having disciples in succession creating a lineage tracing back to the original guru.]
KEITH: Spiritual successor through transmission of energy and innate knowledge. My lineage is not supposed to end with my death. It will likely now [end] which diminishes my purpose and its strength. I may not live too long once a few more things are finished.
CAMI: I can’t even breathe when you say that much less say anything.
KEITH: What do you mean?
CAMI: It is beyond heartbreaking. It is terrifying, paralyzing, overwhelming, sad, frightening. Brings deep, hard emotions.
KEITH: It is what is. There were three paths. [he the mystical could know what might be his future] One, if I didn’t find a parampara, I would live an extended life. Two, finding a parampara, my life would also live through her with me as her. Three, I start to go through the process which mortally weakens me and then it is cut off and my purpose for being here is thwarted.
CAMI: This is beyond my comprehension, but it is important to you.
April 7, 5:17 p.m.,
CAMI: I will text on the life commitment although it’s pretty long.
KEITH: Long, detailed, firm commitments are good. Long texts are what I hope for. What have you been doing? What happened to the long text?
CAMI: It’s coming.
KEITH: Are you home all night?
CAMI: The life commitment is a process thing. … I had to lose hope. So I realize that as long as I kept waiting for our year to be up, I would never feel the pain of your loss. Up until that point, I had been waiting for the year to be up, waiting to be set free. Giving you my life was my way of removing all possible escape routes. It was also because I wanted it to symbolize how much I can value something even beyond happiness, life, children, the house or the career.
KEITH: I think I understand. So what is the exact full commitment?
CAMI: The part that I struggle with is that I thought I’d be in love with you again after making that commitment and couldn’t hurt you anymore. The reason that I was dubious after that was because now you are stuck with me, only to continue to be hurt. The feelings didn’t follow as I thought they would.
KEITH: You have to work to repair them. It would be nice if breaches allowed for effortless repair. Actually, that would be terrible because nothing would have value. In this case the effort you put in to repair this love would be the value and strength of your love. No effort in it means nothing. How strong and valuable do you want your love to be. The [life] commitment gives the opportunity to have a valuable love. Without it, you are just waiting a year at giving me, you, us love, none of it. So am I to assume you will never leave me, never be with anyone else no matter what?
CAMI: I feel like I just died a little bit with that question.
KEITH: I thought that was your commitment. Wouldn’t you have died all the way when you made it?
CAMI: Yes, you just reminded me, it feels like death.
CAMI: It feels like everything is pointless, like there is no more seeking anything. I should just accept that this is it.
KEITH: Do you want me to stop in?
CAMI: You can if you want.
KEITH: Noncommittal answer, I won’t then. I am really having trouble with your noncommitalness [sic] and lethargy. Today was open and important day for us to spend time, but you need desire to spend time and make it good so you can repair love.
Every time you miss an opportunity you make it worse. You are either building or destroying like sinking, swimming, there is no in between. Today you made it worse. Ideally, you would have pushed hard to see me. Even when I finally asked, you did not value an opportunity to see a valuable person, me. You took it for granted and said ‘if I wanted.’ No one in the organization would respond that way to me. For to them, I’m important. To you, I’m not.
CAMI: I said you could.
KEITH: That’s not the point. That’s very out of cause and/or devaluing.
KEITH: Other people would say ‘yes, that would be fantastic, I would love to see you.’
CAMI: Okay. I really did not think you wanted me to treat you like the leader of the organization. We had a romantic relationship. You are that to me first and then Vanguard.
KEITH: You’re right. You should treat me even better.
CAMI: But I will absolutely abide by that. I will treat you like anyone else if that is what you want.
April 19, 8:00 p.m.
KEITH: I’m sorry, I’m working too hard at this. My time right now is almost up [he is going to die]. Why won’t you stay on line, don’t forget my other question. Last time I can call tonight.
CAMI: I need to correct something I said, but don’t know if I should do it in person. I am afraid it means the worst and I’m sorry I lied.
[Cami admits she had sex with Robbie three times, not twice.]
KEITH: Happened twice?
KEITH: …. Three in the one night or two and once in the car?
CAMI: The latter.
KEITH: Why would you not do that with me?
CAMI: I don’t know how to answer that.
CAMI: Physical attraction.
KEITH: It was false, unfortunately. Is he circumcised?
KEITH: I’m sorry, I’m in such pain. Please write me an extensive plan. I don’t know what to do about oral sex. It’s vitally important but I will likely stop texting suddenly. Don’t stop. What underwear did you wear?
CAMI: Physical stuff, that’s it? Didn’t [wear underwear].
KEITH: What outerwear? Not only physical stuff.
CAMI: I think jeans and a T-shirt.
KEITH: How quickly do you think you can make it far more primal [sex] with me?
CAMI: No clue.
KEITH: Will you please make your plan extensive. I don’t know if I can or should have sex with you because it has to make that all worse.
CAMI: I will.
KEITH: Also about the sex, I don’t know what to do. You need to decide. Sex is very important, especially now. Coming in you and in your mouth is vitally important, but you have to like everything better about it and I can’t reconcile that?
CAMI: I thought you were not asking anything.
KEITH: Help me with the sex.
KEITH: Please include near-term sex in your plan….
CAMI: … Plan. Letter. Pledge. Robbie. Lot of sex. Blow jobs. Making you my hero. Dressing sexy for you. Losing weight. Keeping house clean. Cooking. Date nights. Disclose everything. Delete tindr. Clean thought object with Lucy.
KEITH: Why delete tindr? I think that might be the wrong thing to do. I hope you can undelete.
CAMI: Because of the way I use it, the feelings are not in line. I can reinstall. Why? Didn’t get it.
KEITH: What happened with first batch of women?
CAMI: I didn’t pursue, so they probably forgot about me.
KEITH: Have you pursued anyone?
CAMI: I’ve chatted with a few girls, I’ve gotten a couple of numbers.
April 25, 12:26 a.m.,
KEITH: The wound is so deep and essential. Have you finished vow, letter, plan, in that order?
CAMI: Not yet.
KEITH: The vow can uplift us and me.
CAMI: Was the vow I sent insufficient?
KEITH: Have you finished any? Worked on them?
CAMI: Haven’t finished them.
CAMI: What did I miss?
KEITH: Specifically giving yourself totally, control, ownership, body, emotions, life, etc., forever, as much as you can imagine to say. If you come up with things beyond what I have contemplated, I would feel even better. Go all the way, make it everything, like no other human in history has given themselves as completely to another. Make our love that important.
CAMI: I vow to forever be yours in heart and spirit and for as long as the physical world will allow in body. I vow to have your back in battle and in peace. I vow to always let you in and treat you as a friend. I vow to only speak your name if I’m speaking of love. What else do you want? This includes everything.
KEITH: [now telling her what to write in her vow:] I vow to be yours and for you to have me and do with me as you would. I will obey you and trust you absolutely and irrevocably. I vow to have you as my master in all things and in all ways?
CAMI: You’re pushing too much.
KEITH: The problem is there shouldn’t be a too much and you should be pushing me. Maybe this just can’t work. Maybe is needed at this point is a total surrender of everything, joyfully, with no pride. If you feel I could even push too much, I should shut this door. Today has been the hardest night of my life. You value our love by what you give. Can I really push too much? Even if you give me everything it is not enough, but I accept it because it is all you have, I can take no less. It is not right. So show me?
CAMI: I vow to be yours and for you to have me and do with me as you would. I will obey you and trust you absolutely and irrevocably. I vow to have you as my master in all things and in all ways.
KEITH: Do you understand why you do this and do it out of love? I love you, but … for me to accept this vow because I cannot trust you, I need extreme collateral to be used if the vow is broken. This needs to be large enough so the vow will never be broken and different types of punishment for counter/bad behaviors. Through this you can repair and earn the love you destroyed, build self-esteem and become self-reliant and humble. This type of reward/punishment creates a self-esteem building system similar to what boys go through if they reach manhood.
Come up with these things. Punishment levels: One, used frequently for minor infractions or suboptimum behavior. Two, used infrequently for true infractions. Three, even less frequent used for bad infractions. Four, extreme for very bad behavior. Five, the ultimate short of taking collateral, hopefully never used but an important reality. The world is full of these.
CAMI: Why did you leave this time?
KEITH: Your lowless. You do not have self control, which means you have little self-awareness. Is this what you offer me as inducement to accept your vow?
KEITH: Okay, when are you back? Will you complete the vow and related things, the letter and the plan? Will you be great for me and give me the you I deserve. Home? I’m sorry, I don’t trust you. You should have been eager to see me. You haven’t contacted me, so I am concerned you are not home and with others. I tried calling.
CAMI: I know.
KEITH: You know what? Are you home?
CAMI: That you called and that you don’t trust me.
April 26th, 3:47 p.m.
KEITH: In order for me to speak to you ever again, I need to video all of our conversations at will. I experience you as childish, defiant, disrespectful and hateful. I experience you use many strategies of blame at out of causedness in a very mean way towards me. It must stop from your heart. This is the only way because you are not nice to me and I can no longer trust you. I need an answer now or there are no more options.
April 28th, 4:34 p.m.
KEITH: Why haven’t you insisted on swallowing me [his semen] since you did so with R [Robbie]? I can’t keep calling you. I want you to force yourself to stay connected.
CAMI: I haven’t wanted it. I’ve been intimate with you without pushing me away. That’s big.
KEITH: That’s the worst news of all. His sperm and DNA should be disgusting and invasive. You should have want to do anything to love mine [semen], to try to save what is left of a connection. Do you like his fluid more than mine?
CAMI: Right now, neither.
KEITH: Did you ever prefer his taste, etc., over mine?
CAMI: Why do you want me to answer that?
KEITH: Please don’t question me like this anymore. I can’t tell you the reasons. Please answer.
CAMI: If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have chosen to be with him.
KEITH: You chose to be with him because you liked the taste of his semen better?????
KEITH: Then what do you mean?
CAMI: But if I disliked it, I would have avoided it.
KEITH: I asked specifically about taste. Did you specifically mention to him you liked it??
CAMI: I can’t remember.
KEITH: I need you to.
KEITH: What did you like?
CAMI: Seriously? I’m hesitant to share this with you.
KEITH: I need everything. This is explicitly in the letter I wrote. For me to do anything more with you I need to know you want to tell me all.
CAMI: Does that mean you accepted the vow?
KEITH: No. You keep giving me reasons not to. I keep telling you want I need that is different. Did you like his taste better than mine?
CAMI: I wish I didn’t have to answer this. Yes.
KEITH: The wish thing hurts us. What did you like better?
CAMI: Taste, consistency, quantity, intensity.
KEITH: What about each of these things?
CAMI: Taste; he is mild and sweet. Consistency; not too concentrated. Quantity; small amount. Intensity; strong release speed. I am sorry you had to hear that.
KEITH: He is shorter and thinner penis-wise?
CAMI: Longer, but thinner.
KEITH: Is he longer when I’m fully hard?
CAMI: Probably about same.
KEITH: Did he hit the back of you? [when Robbie and Cami had intercourse]
KEITH: Last spring?
CAMI: Oh, I can’t remember.
KEITH: I am examining perception. I know his penis is 6.75 fully erect and mine is 7.5, so I am looking at how you are slanting things.
CAMI: What the fuck? How do you know that?
KEITH: Likewise with intensity. You forget our passionate times and compare our day-to-day [sex] and in the last year I’ve been heartbroken and could barely function [because of Cami having sex with Robbie. Keep in mind Keith is having sex with a dozen or more women.]
CAMI: Why does this matter?
KEITH: Maybe someday I’ll tell you, but guys know these things about each other.
CAMI: I thought men did share these things.
KEITH: … Men masturbate together.
CAMI: No way. Have you masturbated with him?
KEITH: They don’t share about their women, but themselves is different.
CAMI: Have you seen his penis?
KEITH: His is definitely not the width or length of mine. How are you going to fix this lie? [that Robbie’’s penis is as big when fully erect].
CAMI: You haven’t been at your fullest in a long time. It isn’t a lie.
KEITH: That is the problem. Your whole memory of him is a lie. The time before last I was easily longer than him. I kept hitting the back of you, remember? You came twice.
CAMI: How can I forget? But you were hitting the tender spots on the sides. I never cum because you hit the back. That has never been the case.
KEITH: It is highly doubtful he [Robbie’s semen] was even close to as sweet. I actually have a very strong basis for that. Mild maybe. Less volume definitely, but you put less volume as a plus. It is always a minus because I can put the rest elsewhere. No, most people don’t cum because of the back, I was just pointing out I was 7.5 that morning.
CAMI: To be honest, this isn’t that important to me. You’re bigger and better in every way, I’m sure of it.
KEITH: I don’t believe you’re sure of it, but the taste has a special significance. All of these things can be altered: Length, width, intensity, taste, even to some degree volume. But there is an important factor in taste that is essential and that you have increased that sex so much and still protect the lie. I can challenge the lie on measurables, but not the measurables that you must do. This is mostly measurable because if the lie you created real passion — because of real passion you grossly exaggerated the experience [with Robbie]. How are you going to fix that?…
CAMI: I don’t care who’s better or bigger. You do. Take it, hon. And yes, I am sure that you are superior.
KEITH: What do you mean, take it?
CAMI: The crown. The official title. I will attest to that.
[So there you have it: Your Vanguard at his very best, insane, delusional, ridiculous, laughably vain and inconceivably insecure. A 54 year old man having this exchange with a 24 year old woman, pretending to be a superior teacher. It can’t get any worse or more embarrassing? Don’t be too sure. Stay tuned for Part 6.]