By D. Scott
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about six months. He has an ex-wife and three children. We have recently been getting close. I have met all of his friends but not his parents or children. As of now we are exclusive. His mother passed away suddenly. Now I am confused. I’m not sure my “place” during this time. As of now I know his ex wife will probably accompany him to the funeral with the children. This death has devastated him and obviously I don’t want to talk about where “we”stand. My understanding is that the decisions he is going to make are for his family. I am not a part of that yet. Please tell me what I CAN do to be there for him, be present and let him know I am o.k. with whatever he has to do at this time. Deep down I know he is the one for me. My thoughts are that I should wait for him to tell me what he wants or needs at this time. Please help. I don’t want him to feel I was absent during all of this.
-Tera B. from Kenmore, N.Y.
DEAR TERA: Sending healing energy your way. Death is always something that stops the world. Half the battle is YOU acknowledging that you have a “place” with him. This is NOT a battle you will win if you go against your written stance. You would come off raggedy and insensitive. I am glad you are willing to try to help him and heal him even after the funeral is over. During this next week you should be available for whatever he needs. Traditionally, food is prepared and brought to the house. If he has a large family, accommodate. You don’t have to cook it but make sure you send something. A lot of people don’t recall all the cards or flowers prior to the funeral, especially men. They DO remember food. One’s appetite is fleeting when there are arrangements to be made. If your budget is tight bring breakfast. A few dozen bagels with spreads or donuts with a gallon of coffee. Even if you just drop them off and give him a hug. When the dust clears he will remember you showed your face whether he introduced you as the “new girl” or not. Please be aware grief is a different energy. Love is one of the only things that combats that. Should he use this time to introduce you or bring you to the funeral, be ready. A simple black dress to the knee with no shoulders showing. In some churches in the South the 100 degree heat does not make you exempt from wearing pantyhose. Keep a pack of handkerchiefs in your purse at all times this week. Men process things differently than us. Most of all understand that your willingness to allow him to grieve HIS way will result in a positive outcome. You are on the right track. #tellthetruthtuesday
DEAR AUNTIE: Listening to your podcast on Blogtalkradio and now on iTunes, it is never clear whether you are single or not. Also, how old are you?
-Jason R. from Buffalo, N.Y.
DEAR JASON: Thank you for listening to my shows for so long. I am single until I am married. As humans we always feel the need to label things and ask questions that are none of our business. I date accordingly. If I wanted to date anyone I definitely would not want to date a man who asked me my age. The reason this column is called, “Ask Auntie” is because I am not old enough to be your mother. Yet I am too old to be your sister. “Auntie” is a respectful term for a woman that has wisdom and knowledge from living her best life. Going forward don’t ask women their age. It is rude. Notice I said WOMEN. Typically if you have to ask, you shouldn’t be dating them. It is the equivalent to me asking you about your tax bracket. It is invasive and a non-factor. I am single but I am sure there is someone reading this that would disagree. Hopefully that answers your peasant-like questions.
DEAR AUNTIE: We are currently in a polyamorous relationship. We have been together for 3 years. The relationship started with just my boyfriend and I. He met a girl he wanted to sleep with. I had never been with a woman. He assured me that it was just an addition to our sex life. We enjoyed it and decided to include her in activities and stay in our home. Jealousy was never an issue until recently. Our girlfriend hasn’t worked in months. She is at home a lot more than I am with him. I feel they have been sleeping together without me. How do I confront them about my suspicions that they are cheating on me?
-Berniece H. from Tacoma, W.A.
DEAR BERNIECE: First of all you need to be clear on what you ALL define as cheating. It appears that you were romanced into this 3 way relationship. Sexually you may have enjoyed it. Is it possible that you allowed this relationship because you were afraid of losing him? You were afraid of him cheating so you decided to grant his wish? If that is the case you are NOT in a polyamorous relationship. You are being pimped. It is not clear who owns the home, but if it were MY home we pay bills. That not working or contributing even during a pandemic, is NOT acceptable. Your man is ok with her staying home while you work? Honey you are in a situation you allowed. It is never too late to leave anywhere you are not adored, respected and revered. This is how a lot of cult like situations begin. Take the mind and the body will follow. Perhaps if you read a book called ,”Pimp” by Iceberg Slim you would notice similarities. Historically polyamory is reserved for people living as a unit. In Utah a lot of the Mormons own entire neighborhoods. Each ‘WIFE” has her own home, children, cars and a specific role and times she sees the male counterpart. They work together and raise capital to have purchasing power. In Asian cultures to produce heirs men had as many as three wives. The first wife being the most important. Should she not produce a male child, the husband found other women to have children with. It was about legacy not a sexual conquest. This can be seen in the 1993 film ,”The Joy Luck Club”.
In the event they are “cheating” on you, what are you going to do about it? As a woman you should always have your own. If you don’t have a place to stay please reserve your thoughts until you have enough money to leave, should you hear the truth and not accept it. Jealousy is a weak emotion. We all have choices. Choose what makes you happy. If it makes you happy then stay. If it upsets you, leave. Be in a position to say BYE.
Penis is free in all 50 states. Remember that luv.
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