By D. Scott
DEAR AUNTIE: I was dealing with a man for almost thirty years. He never took me around family. I was so in love I was blind. When he retired from his job he walked away like I was nothing. Never in my life have I been so hurt. What I learned from him was to never let someone use me. I never cheated nor gave anyone else a chance because I was so in love. He never loved me. I just can’t understand how a man can do that to someone and go on like you never existed.
-Rosie B. from UNKNOWN
DEAR ROSIE B: Whew chile the ghetto! This is going to be a very long and multifaceted response. Let me start by saying your feelings are valid. You have accepted your part in this situation. There are so many things that I want to ask. It does not sound like you were married. I am sure that he hit you with the ,”we are common law” married. The truth about that is that there are only 16 states left that participate in that law. Of those 16 there are 5 that you would have been able to seek legal action due to the length of time. He probably also told you that marriage, ”is just a piece of paper”. That is correct.
BUT money, a deed, beneficiary on a life insurance policy or even a title to a car are ALL pieces of paper as well. My hope is that you obtained one of the latter. If you did not then I need you to understand that you literally wasted your best years on a raggedy noncommittal man. My thoughts are that you perhaps did not hold the rank you thought you did ma’am. Was it a solid 30 years? Was it a 30 year booty call? As women we love to say things like,” He always comes back”. Yeah …men like free stuff.
There are a lot of people claiming years that their partner was in limbo, jail, other relationships or a high school sweetheart. Once we get to a certain age and stage in life if we have not attained much we will cling to things that have been consistent. Perhaps you were consistent but not number one in his eyes or heart. Get some water, I know that was a hard pill to swallow. I too have swallowed the same pill. To think the world of somebody and wait for them to act right. The problem with that last sentence is the word “act”. Naw you need to BE right to me.
No man just gets up and leaves after 30 years. I am having a hard time believing that. It means he wasn’t invested. Which would lead me to believe that you had not required him to do anything. There were signs that he wasn’t really there for the long haul. You may have dismissed it as something else. At this stage in the game if I am agreeing not to marry you there is still an investment in a relationship with me. Spend the time or spend the money. That is my mantra.
Men who work for their money are specific when they part ways with it. He basically told you that you were not worth it. It honestly sounds like you were a 30 year tolerant volunteer. It is not enough for a man to tolerate you. Rosie, you should be loved and adored, not tolerated. If you really are honest with yourself as a divine feminine energy you know exactly when he fell off and out of love with you. Because of the time spent it was a worthy investment to YOU. We need to be in tune with our partners.
The typical narcissist or sociopath isn’t giving you 30 years. Don’t dismiss him as that. Please understand I am trying to understand why you weren’t seeing other people. Wait…did he warn you against it? Did he make you feel like he was the only one for you? Ma’am a man doesn’t have 30 months with me to make a permanent decision, let alone 30 years. All love doesn’t end in marriage. It doesn’t. Love does end sometimes though.
My intentions for you going forward are to realize that you were not a victim you were a volunteer. Stand on that. You loved him. There is no shame in that. There are men that would feed you fresh fruits out of an Egyptian bowl before your shift at work and be happy to introduce you to the world. That is not what you chose. We have lived long enough to know what we want.
My hope is that you are wanting more for yourself. It seems as if you had a self -esteem problem. If you valued yourself you wouldn’t have discounted your love for him. Please don’t do that again. If you were a stellar lover and woman to him he will try to return. Don’t let that stale energy penetrate you again. Pun fully intended. Age means nothing to love. There are younger men waiting on a woman like you.
There are older men that will spoil you. Work on yourself. I have never lost a man chasing money. Yet I have lost money chasing a man. Go where you are loved not just tolerated. Always remember that the love you gave will be returned to you, even if it’s not from him.
DEAR AUNTIE: You seem to have an answer to all these relationship questions. How so if you are not married or in a relationship?
-Brandon L. from Torrance, C.A.
DEAR BRANDON L: Yet here you are. In my lifetime I have been fortunate enough to come from a tribe of women and wives. Growing up I saw the dynamic between my parents, grandparents and great grandparents. Actually, I was married. I met my husband in April. In June he proposed. In July we were married. We divorced years later. We co-parent. When I saw him I knew I would marry him and give him his first born son. That’s exactly what happened. I manifest my life. A man is the easiest thing to manifest. My mother was married 4 times.
The rules never changed for me. I don’t lead with my head I lead with my heart. Over the years I have saved myself and countless other women and men from relationship failure by telling the truth. In my life I have certainly suffered in love. It qualifies me to be able to see something perhaps you don’t see. Plus I am a seasoned vet in the dating game. I actually date. Dating is not sex.
One cannot play hopscotch with humans and call that a relationship they want to keep. Everything these days is so quick and temporary. I don’t have the answer for that. A small percentage of those relationships last. My relationships span over years and decades. It is MY choice not to marry at this time. It is MY choice not to call your uncle or father back. The relationship I have with my readers, listeners and family keeps me busy. My life isn’t defined by a relationship with a man. All most men did was teach me how to survive without them. Please refer to my first book ,”Stay in Your Lane: A Diary of a Hot Mess” by D. Scott. It’s on Amazon and Kindle.
I have had bad relationships with good men. Then I have had good relationships with bad men. Let me say that I have been loved and adored. My life knows nothing else. I go where the love is. There are a lot of men that are sports analysts that get on television and tell us about sports. These men have never played professionally they just analyze and formulate conclusions.
My response to people that need help are from that same aspect. I ran the numbers. I looked at the facts. I looked at variables. I am trying to predict the best possible outcome. In the end, love is the highest vibration. We should all strive to be love. If you are not love you shouldn’t be trying to be in it. Keep your intentions clean and clear and you would have all the answers too Brandon.
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