DEAR AUNTIE: I am in a relationship with someone I no longer love. But he won’t leave me alone. I’ve told him numerous times that there is nothing there and I am not happy. He currently has nowhere to go because he moved to my home state from his home state to Mississippi. I’ve shown him a completely different lifestyle that he’s never been able to experience but he doesn’t want to do anything on his own. He thinks that going to work every day makes me happy. I’m still spending the majority of the money in the relationship. There is a 7 year age gap between us. I am 32 and he is going to be 25 next month. Age is nothing but a number. How do I tell a child that I am no longer interested? He literally has temper tantrums. He has family in my state of Minnesota but no one wants anything to do with him. Even his parents want nothing to do with him. He wants more kids but he already has one he really doesn’t take care of. I don’t want any due to the circumstances.
My fear is that he is going to try to end my life because I don’t want to be with him. What should I do? I have serious trust issues and he has shown me on several occasions he can’t be trusted. He won’t let me go. He calls me his wife even though we have never agreed to these terms on that level. Please help.
Lena H. from UNKNOWN
DEAR LENA: In my lifetime I have almost been murdered twice. Both times by men that I thought loved me. It was when I was leaving a relationship. Often times I tell women that the most dangerous time in a relationship is when you are leaving. Please have a plan to leave when you leave. No contact should be a rule. Closure is NOT needed. Closure gets us killed sometimes. You cannot keep telling this man you don’t want him. Men don’t take rejection the way we do. They internalize it. They get angry. The problem stemmed from the fact that financially he did not meet your needs. I am hearing you refer to him as a child and less than and I am certain the relationship did not start this way.
As a woman who has loved on a younger man I can tell you that I allow a man to be a man. I don’t engage with men that I don’t see a future of some sort. My concern is that you keep telling him you don’t want him. That level of rejection is astounding. I need you to be safe. You’re not fully done with him. When I am done with someone they get no response. Get away from him. No responding to texts. Bulk up your visuals on your car and home. When a man has nothing, to lose his woman means he lost everything. They don’t take kind to that. This has nothing to do with his age. ALL men have an issue with losing. My goal is to make sure that you are safe. I am going to inbox you my personal info so that I can get you the resources you need to be safe and to move freely in your spaces. Sending protection energy your way.
DEAR AUNTIE: For someone who claims to be single how come you have all this advice? Do you think you have the right to tell people what they should be doing and you aren’t married?
Bradley J. from Houston
DEAR BRADLEY: My claim is not that I am single. I am actually single until I am married. So are you sir. My birthright to counsel women on men’s piss poor behavior started long ago. I was married. My divorce taught me much. All of the women in my family were wives. Some first wives. Some forever wives. My job is to teach other women how to be YOUR wife if you ever wanted one.
The issue is : “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful. But not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important”. (Chimamamda Ngozi Adiche)
Personally women should aspire to be more than just a wife. Women need to understand other women and themselves before we begin to even care about men and their mess or magic. My job is to advise women on how to weed out what they don’t want from what they do want. The game doesn’t change, just the date. My great grandmother told me that in 1997.