DEAR AUNTIE: I just finished reading a few things by you…loved it!!! Not sure if you can give me advice or not. But I thought I would try. I have been in a relationship for almost 14 years. He asked me to marry him 3 and a half years in. We are still not married. For quite some time I haven’t even asked about it. Each time I ask he says we don’t have the money. Yet he can drop money on a bicycle, metal detector, fire arms etc. etc.I love him but I think it is time to excuse myself from this relationship. I am 55 years old and I do not feel like playing house anymore. Am I horrible for feeling like this? Thank you in advance for any advice you can give to me.
Kathy A. from UNKNOWN
DEAR KATHY: If you have read some of my work you should know what I am going to say. NO you are not wrong for not wanting to play house anymore. You are wrong for how long you stayed waiting for a wedding instead of a marriage. The day after I get engaged the wedding planning begins. We set a budget and if we are in our 40’s it doesn’t have to be lavish.
With the pandemic I was proud to see so many couples opting for good old fashioned backyard, living room and local beach weddings. Low cost and serving its purpose, to unite two souls in matrimony. A man will commit to a losing football team for decades and use the same barber for years but won’t fully commit to a woman after 14 years? That is odd. If you love him let him know that you don’t need anything fancy. I have been ordained as a minister for years. I would perform your wedding for cocktails, free of charge.
Let him know that you want to have his last name and protection as you enter the happiest years of your life. You are just 7 years shy of retirement age. Let him know that he needs to be thinking about what HIS future would look like without you in it.
Personally, I would give him a date and say this is the perfect day to get married. Lead the convo by stating everything is in place for something small and you guys just need to make payments and agree. My wedding gown and everything is picked out. I have the date. The chef is in place as well as the cake.
We are going to the courthouse to be wed. It will not be announced until our 1 year anniversary. Just friends and family. Now I just need to be in a solid relationship for that to manifest. If you are ready you don’t have to get ready. My last marriage was manifested within 90 days. This one will take slightly longer. It will definitely not be 14 years.
Don’t give up on him unless you have tried to come to him with your powerpoint presentation and he cites another excuse. Most men just don’t like the stress of planning and the amount of money it will take. True love can sit at a food truck or in front of an ice sculpture and be content.
Sending love and happiness vibes your way. Just take him to the courthouse and tell him to sign the paper. Have a party later if he says y’all don’t have the money. If he says no to all of this, move on. I have a good feeling for you though. Let me know how it turns out.
DEAR AUNTIE: Why does all your advice sound the same?
Rashida L. Depew, N.Y.
DEAR RASHIDA: My advice sounds the same because y’all are hard headed. Week after week I am emailed almost the same exact questions or situations. It is almost like there is a generation that skipped the divine feminine. Until you hear what I said and apply it to make your own life better, my advice will sound the same.
In this realm I lead with love. A few years back not so much. When you are in a healed space you see all sides of a story, not just what is being told. Sometimes it is the women who are at fault and raggedy. Sometimes it is the men who are at fault and raggedy. This column addresses both.
My Itunes podcast, ‘Stay in Your Lane with D.Scott” turns 6 years old today. We have 7 seasons. This lets me know that even though you may not take the advice, you heard what I said. That is all I can ask for. Being a beacon of light and casting out shadows with the truth is one of my purposes. We can’t mince words when we are trying to heal traumas. Take the advice or take the consequence. It is always YOUR choice.