DEAR AUNTIE: I have been with a man on and off for about 3 and a half years. He cheated on me a year into the relationship. We got back together and I thought I forgave him. A year after that I met a guy online and we started chatting. Eventually we linked up. He is amazing. We started having an affair. It had gotten to the point where I don’t sleep with my boyfriend anymore. I don’t go out with my boyfriend to any events or even to the grocery store. I use those moments to be with the other guy. When my boyfriend touches me I cringe. It feels like I am cheating on my other guy with my boyfriend. Since I found out my boyfriend cheated he has been great.
No late nights calls or texts, no internet crap, no anxiety when I have his phone at all. I feel like it was just a one time drunk night thing with him. My feelings for the other man are greater than the feelings for my boyfriend, what should I do? The other guy just bought a house and wants me to move in and get married. My boyfriend doesn’t even want children nor marriage. I want to tell my boyfriend that I love somebody else. Had he not cheated I wouldn’t have even looked at another man. He actually disgusts me. I want to leave him for my new love.
Carissa from Nevada
DEAR CARISSA: Affairs are for married people darling. You simply met somebody else. We call it cheating because you are actually lying to your boyfriend and yourself. Cheaters often assume that because they say ,”sorry” or buy guilt gifts that it fixes things. Typically it does not. Your boyfriend broke your trust. Your mistake was staying after you realized you were “chatting” with someone else. The internet has been an agent for chaos for a long time. It gives people access to people they otherwise would have never met or been intrigued by. It also breeds false hope. It allows people to have whatever persona they choose. In your case your new beloved is who he says he is. Now you have to decide who you are in this equation.
The good news is that you have guilt. That means you think highly of yourself enough to know that you cannot sleep with both of these men and be o.k. You cannot continue this lie for another year. I suspect you blame your boyfriend for this. He cheated. You felt alone while punishing him and met somebody else. Often times I warn women about the punishment phase. There have been women that made their men wait a year for sex after they cheated. My mama would always say,”No…YOU didn’t have sex for a year. He did”. One of the biggest problems of love is that rarely are two people in love with each other at the same time at the same frequency. Perhaps you were trying to do something naughty and got caught up.
In theory your new boo is actually your man now. You made that decision when you cringed at the other one touching you. When you decided he was not worthy of being seen outside with you. Obviously because you don’t want your new boo to see y’all out. You are no longer concerned with the other ones feelings. You don’t like or love him anymore. Time to go. You and your old boyfriend are not on the same path. He was a pit stop in your life. If I were you I would get my own place (if you don’t have one already) and try actually dating new boo OUTSIDE of your old relationship.
Men are kings of the switch up once they get what they wanted. Because he met you while you were with somebody else, he will never forget that. Unfortunately he may be insecure at times or treat you horrible at times because of how he met you. Eat it or leave. Just because you are acting out of love currently does not absolve you of consequences for your actions.
As for old boo, I am always scared for women when they leave relationships. Especially when there was already turmoil. Personally I would not tell this man that you cheated for a year and change and are in love with somebody else. It’s harsh and cruel. If you can just leave and try to converse with him once out of the house over the phone. It seems as if I am asking you to ghost him. I am not. I am asking you to be safe. Perhaps you can leave and tell him things aren’t working out and you need space.
Maybe you can say that your need for stability, a home and children and his unwillingness of the latter is causing you to want to move on. You also need some time to be single or out of relationship in your new space. I would NOT move in with new boo immediately. Cheating is for people with money. If you don’t have the money to live alone for 6 to 12 months then you should have been focused on your finances, not a new boo.
Your boyfriend does not need to know the “why” of why you left. He will eventually find out. He also has to sit in the consequence of his actions. To the men reading this and fuming, so what! Men leave us all the time and within 2 weeks have a new baby and condo by the water and a full blown relationship. There is no easy way out of this. You do need to get out. Go where the love is. When you said you forgave him and you really didn’t that was the end right there ma’am. Women need to stop lying about forgiveness.
In a perfect world when he cheated you should have left. Then you wouldn’t be in love with somebody else and having to make life choices. This situation could potentially be dangerous. More than 70% of homicides against women are committed by people they know. Safety first. If you must go like a thief in the night and leave a note, do that. Take only what you came with and bounce.
Time does not heal all wounds but it certainly helps. There is no need to tell a man face to face that you love somebody else, you’ve been cheating for a year and that you’re leaving. There is no need to involve the new boo in your departure either. You did a big girl thing, now put your big girl boots on and exit with stealth and grace. Next time if you don’t forgive someone say that and leave.
It usually doesn’t get any better after a betrayal. Do not move in with new boo immediately either. You must take a time out from the deceptions. Sit with yourself and figure out what you want. You may view new boo in a different light once out of your old relationship. Maybe try being single for a little bit. If new boo loves you he will give you a little time to focus and regroup. Nobody likes or respects a cheater.
Please remember I said that as you enter into this new space in your life. Telling the truth is about giving people a choice. Your new boo chose to deal with you while you were with another man. Old boo doesn’t know about the new boo. On paper you look a mess. In reality you acted off impulse, revenge and emotion, just like men do. Grow past that and enjoy being single, however brief.
For the record men leave their wives and girlfriends all the time for the people they cheated with and it works out….sometimes. Women do it too and sometimes it works out. Do what you want to do and be mindful of hurting new boo the way you are about to hurt old boo. I will not say he deserved it. I will say it’s a consequence. The same ones you may have to face a year from now. Trust me when I say new boo will throw it in your face every fifth and 11th month of the year. Eat it because you moved shady from the start. Now is your chance to be free of the lies. Do it. Do what and who makes you happy. Go where the love is. Even if it’s just with yourself.
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