DEAR AUNTIE: Hey Auntie D! Ok so I met my daughters father in 2014. We met at a college party at a school neither of us attended and after conversation we realized we were from the same city. He was a college athlete and I was attending another school for dental hygiene. We dated for a few months, had sex once and I got pregnant. The way he treated me and acted, he made me feel very important and special. I do believe he saw a future with me. Meeting his friends and mother, going on dates, planning trips etc. Three months into my pregnancy I find out from a girl following me on social media that I was not the only one. She had been dealing with him for an entire year before him meeting me.
I confronted him about it. He denied it then hours later I received a text from him that not only was I not the only one, the girl who made herself known to me was also pregnant and he didn’t think it a good idea for us to be together anymore. I was devastated. Talking to the girl, she stated “he’s a great guy, he just makes stupid decisions. If you’re going to be around while I’m dealing with him then I will stay in my lane.” Literally I still can’t understand it. A woman WILLING to sit on the side while I had this man’s baby. She knew who and what he was and I was just finding out. He talked her into getting an abortion.
That was not an option for me. She accepted and still stayed with him. I was not willing to accept that I was going to be on his roster of women. He stated that after her abortion he wanted to try and make it work for our family. I agreed to try then found out shortly after that she didn’t go anywhere. This continued throughout my entire pregnancy and for a year after birth. I moved back in with my mother when I got pregnant. I would go visit him while pregnant and once my child was born and like clockwork once I was gone she was right back over his place (they attended the same university so they were around each other all the time) She was cooking, cleaning, sleeping with him, wearing his jersey number at games, the whole thang.
He did not claim this girl and she knew this. She never was able to meet his family, never brought around people, never taken anywhere. He would say she was convenient because we didn’t live together and she slept with one of his teammates a while back so he couldn’t take her serious. She still stayed, making posts on social media as if he’s the love of her life and all. Throughout this time, other girls popped up.
Many of them on his campus as well, a lot of them making themselves known to me to spite the girl he was dealing with. I was the chick he had at home with his baby, she was his girl on campus that he kept a secret. Then he had more hoes. Eventually, I left. A couple years passed and he tried “getting his family back” but he never left the girl alone. I know this because I would routinely check her social media pages. I was kinda obsessed for a while but then I stopped…So now my daughter is 5, her father and I successfully co-parent. My daughter recently tells me that her daddy has a new friend.
My daughter told me she has been over her house, his friend is almost always at his house now when she visits him. Today his sister posted pictures of a family outing back in his hometown and in the picture with everyone is THE GIRL. This is a big thing because he has never had another woman around our daughter and family. She’s been very nice to my baby so there’s no problem there but I feel some type of way. I still wanna punch her in the head. I do not want my daughter’s dad back. Good dad, bad partner for me. However, I’m feeling anger or resentment or something bad. Am I feeling bitterness?
N.B from UNKOWN
DEAR N.B: My eyes are literally rolling in the back of my head right now. To answer your question YES you are bitter. Ma’am you understand the man played you against each other and then had other women. The nerve. You were also WILLING to sit on the sidelines thinking that the baby garnered you more respect or hierarchy, we see it did not. While you moved back in with your mother to birth his child he was doing him. If I was to knowingly allow a man such access to pleasures he would surely be paying me. I would NOT be moving in with my mama while he was free to do him and I suffered. He would have gotten no more coochie coupons from me. It appears that you respect him more than this girl. You should kill that notion. For as mad as you are with this girl be mad at the man too. This is a common issue in dating. We cannot force men to do a damn thing. Nothing. At all. When she was showing up to games, wearing his jersey and being with him when you left, babygirl that was his girlfriend. I don’t care what he told you. He likely painted you as the matronly baby mama. To be honest ya’ll were like sister wives. In the sense that both of you wouldn’t let the man go and accepted HIS terms. If you accepted HIS terms you cannot be mad or bitter towards her. She got fed spoons full of lies too. Yes I have been in a love triangle before so I can speak to these facts. There are a lot of women that have the “as long as he comes home to me” mentality. That is an agreeance to HIS terms. Polygamy isn’t that far removed then. In polygamy they have money and all the women are financially provided for. This was not the case here. He had a bevy of women because of what he was not who he was.
Men sometimes lie. Men are indecisive sometimes. Men will do whatever you allow them to do. You did all this for free and with a baby. Hell naw. Checking her social media pages must have driven you mad. 99% of what I post is only 1% of my life. You also can’t trust his family to have told you the truth during that time either. You see they were recently up in the picture with her cheesing. The issue is the lies he told. He did that, not her. That woman was literally the last one standing luv. Sometimes that’s all it takes. You don’t strike me as the type of woman that would want to endure someone’s behavior just to get them to love you. That is what Miss Lady did. She ate every lie that man told her too. You should feel pity for her. Pity that she got a community property ran through type of man. Nobody wants that. You left. You escaped. Your tolerance for his behavior was low, hers was not. That is tragic. She did not win a prize. You have your daughter and was not swayed otherwise. There is grace in that.
Going forward I would look at her as a woman who shared a man with you. You guys were young. It happens. That was not her fault. This was not your fault either. This was his doing. Yet you also willingly allowed things to happen. You ate his lies because you were hungry for the truth. You wanted what he was saying to be true. Now you see it wasn’t. All I am asking is that you keep some of that energy for him. If it wasn’t “old faithful” it would have been someone else. He is a liar and a cheat. Those type of things don’t really change over time. The former college athlete will try to live out his legacy until his hairline is receding, he has a muffin top and erectile dysfunction. That’s when community property typically wants to settle down. Be glad it’s not with you. You made it out of a probable hell. Cheers to that. Leave that girl alone. My mama used to tell me that if I take my attention away from certain things or people, they would cease to exist. She was right. Be a good co parent and focus on how he will have to teach your daughter how NOT to date men like him. There is a reckoning coming. I can promise you that.
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