DEAR AUNTIE: Your name is Dee so I will refer to you as that. Auntie seems a little awkward for me. I’m a 36 year old man. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. We live in Rochester, N.Y. I have a nice home with her, I drive a nice car, I make the majority of the money and I am physically attractive. Recently, well in the last 2 years, my girlfriend has been distant. She won’t hardly let me touch her. She doesn’t hold my hand in the car or in public anymore. When I try to have sex with her she out right refuses.
At this point she doesn’t even give me a reason anymore. I’ve started buying her gifts here and there to show that I appreciate her and I want us to keep progressing forward. She accepts the gifts and still doesn’t give me any sex. She also has been transferring her half of the bills into my account. She used to give it to me cash. I wanted to marry her and have children. I’m not seeing that happening because a man needs affection. I have not cheated yet. I want to but I haven’t. I’m trying to be faithful and wait on her to come around. Is there a reason she is being distant with me?
Give it to me straight. I’m a grown man and I can take it. She stopped saying she loved me about a year ago too. Did I do something wrong by treating her nice and moving with her into a rental SHE wanted? We discussed buying a house but haven’t found one we both liked. Is there something I can do to make her want me like she did 7 years ago? I will do it. I don’t want to lose her Dee.
Jaylen from Rochester
DEAR JAYLEN: My name is actually NOT Dee. That is what people call me. Thank you for being one of the first men chosen for this column. My hope is that you are sitting down. Perhaps go get a glass of water. The short answer is she does NOT want you. At all. I will not say she is sleeping with someone else but I am quite sure she knows who your replacement is. You did some of this to yourself and I will explain how.
First off your opening sentences contained a lot of “I”. This indicated selfishness. Had you used “we” you would have come across like you felt you were a team or a unit. Also, who told you that you were physically attractive? Was that something necessary to say? Let people determine how attractive you are. You sound very full of yourself. In your rental I am sure you conveyed like this as well. It is actually NOT attractive. When a woman gets to a place where you cannot touch her, its either because she is disgusted over infidelity, she is getting sex elsewhere, depression or she plain does not want you. In 7 years you played house with this woman. Out here wasting each others time.
You are literally begging her to love you and she has left the building mentally. That does not happen overnight. If I am paying half the bills in the house and you make significantly more than me, I am going to pay you in rolled pennies every month. In my life cohabitation is not 50/50. I don’t care if I made more money, if I wanted to split bills I would get a roommate. Typically I date men that have more liquid than I do. We are grown.
I know that may work for some people but it has not happened to me nor will that ever work. So she is out here likely in a situation where she can’t stack enough money to even leave. In my relationships I bought groceries and paid the utilities because most men can’t be bothered to do so. My money also went for all the vacations, savings, emergencies etc. This has worked for me. It isn’t a significant difference in price it’s just how we did in my marriage and with my fiancé before him.
She stopped saying she loves you because she doesn’t right now. Just because you seemingly are doing everything right, let’s look at the fact yall were stagnant for 7 years, At the very least you two should have purchased a home. You are not engaged, no home and no children. Miss Lady is tired. I am certain you are a lovely man but she doesn’t think so right now. All relationships go through dry spells. It seems as if you are too arrogant to actually open your eyes and see she has left the relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if those bank transactions for the rent were so she could prove she paid her half when she leaves. Sir you are starved for affection. You also have the option to leave.
A grown woman will likely never tell you face to face if she cheated. Please don’t ask. Cheating is anything she wouldn’t want you doing. Things like social media flirting, texts, lunch dates, work husbands are all inappropriate unless you oblige. Do me a favor, at dinner one night tell her you want to switch phones to see if you two still had trust. This is not about being paranoid or petty. You have legitimate concern. Don’t accuse her. You won’t have to because she is not giving you that phone. If she does perhaps she is depressed at outside things and this in fact effects her sex drive. That can be fixed.
If she needs to run in the bathroom to text or gets up from the table then you have your answer. Women leave mentally before we do physically. Once we are physically with someone else, oddly enough we won’t allow another man to touch us. Even if it is you. If you find there was no infidelity, sir you have two choices. You either cop her a ring or a deed to show what you have is long term and she didn’t just waste 7 years of her life. Or you can part ways.
There is a growing problem of men who fail to commit. I commend you for not cheating as that is rare. You could also come out and ask her if there is something you could do different or better. Please do not insert your arrogance into the equation. Don’t say things like,” Don’t I take care of you and buy you nice things”? Please actually ask her what can you do different. It may be something as simple as her hours at work got cut and her paying half the bills is agitating because the money isn’t coming in.
Something as simple as saying, ”if you need anything extra let me know”. There is nothing wrong with doing things for your woman or not subscribing to the 50/50 rule. My father used to say that a household should be able to live off of one income. If you can’t then you are doing too much. Hence why 50/50 doesn’t make sense in my relationships.
In closing the actual thing we know for certain is that in this moment in time she does not want you. If you are committed to the truth just ask her for it. Don’t assume because you do the bare minimum or buy a trinket here and there that it makes her moist. We do not care. I speak often about the grandiose gesture. My love language is money. Everything can be fixed with money. It is notoriously the only thing my men understood. I am not placing blame. I am just giving you a woman’s perspective. Should she come out and tell you the truth, please don’t let me see you on the news. Rejection hurts. Go where the love is. It is not in that rented house. It is not in your nice car or physical acumen either.
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