DEAR AUNTIE: My name is James and I have some confessions. I listen to your podcast and you say the things we hide and keep in the shadows can kill us. Personally I feel more alive now than ever. I am in love. Hard love. I don’t ever want to be without her. She is beautiful, smart, successful and she is all about me. I trust her with my life. She is the one.
My problem is that I am married and I need to leave my wife. We have been together since we were kids and been married for 13 years. We have two boys and I hate her. She belittles me, she makes me feel like garbage and useless. She has turned my boys against me. My house that I bought and paid for is a jail for me. I hate going there. I am at my girlfriends house daily and pretty much live there.
My wife doesn’t suspect anything and I don’t think she cares anyways. We haven’t slept together in over a year. This is not a marriage. When I leave her she can have everything as my new girl and I will move forward. My girlfriend doesn’t want children and feels the situation is ideal. We have planned a small wedding in the Hamptons next summer sometime. My question is how do I tell my current soon to be ex wife?
I don’t care about hurting her as she has killed me many times inside. My concern is my boys. I want them to live with me and my girlfriend. She is an unstable inconsistent wife. She is that same way as a parent. She deserves to be alone or with someone that only wants sex once a year. Help me to happiness Auntie.
James from Brooklyn Heights
DEAR JAMES: Sir I just…… cannot relate. As someone who will do everything BUT date or knowingly be with a married man…I am in awe of your audacity. In my podcast I speak of all things love. Perhaps this is my final level of Jumanji. If you are married you do not have a girlfriend. You have a mistress. In all things love in my podcast I discuss this. I do not believe in “side chick” “main chick” titles. I only acknowledge mistress.
When you are married your wife is entitled to EVERYTHING if you cease to exist on earth. It is not because of the Bible that I don’t condone affairs. It is because I know a lot of women that had affairs with married men for no reason. The man died and they literally couldn’t even attend the funeral. There were no provisions nor acknowledgement. Have we learned nothing from our dear Anna Nicole Smith? Our dear lover of elderly men whom she actually married on his death bed and she still couldn’t access his fortune.
Your love for this new girl has you ready to leave your marriage of 13 years. That must be a phenominal catch. She is all about you and is planning a wedding in the Hamptons next summer huh? Sir you either have the sex drive of a 30 something, the money of a tech start up company or the tongue of a professional peach eater. Your girlfriend may not want children because your face is one only a mother could love. I could be wrong.
Your girlfriend wants you to leave your wife because the situation benefits HER. Please let her know that child support starts at 17% of your income and with the second one a grand total of about 30% of your income is gone. Let’s say your wife didn’t work or that you were the breadwinner, there is also alimony attached to at least 10 years of your marriage. You will be in financial ruin and spiritual despair for about 5 to 10 business years. Give your girlfriend the facts on that. Let us see if she is still all about you.
Unless your lawyer can prove your soon to be ex wife is unfit, you will NOT gain full custody of those boys in New York state until after they turn 12. At that point they can speak for themselves with a guardian ad litem present to determine custodial and residential rights. Just because she was not good to you doesn’t mean she is not a good mother. I wish couples would stop mingling the two.
My ex husband was an excellent husband. Not so great of a father. Excellent, meaning that anything I wanted he would provide, with the exception of fidelity. Let us also keep in mind that the fantasy is usually always better than the reality. Is your girlfriend aware of the idea that once you leave your wife, her spot as a mistress is open? Will you fill it? Will this new girl displease you?
It is very easy as a man to succumb to outside forces when the people that swore to love you all the days of your life are not doing so. I get it. What I don’t get is why you would ask me, of all people, how to leave your wife. I was a wife. I believe in marriage. I also believe that men are men and I act accordingly while I am single. You and your girlfriend have moral compasses that are off. There is no shortage of married men that try me on a weekly basis. The disrespect of you hoes is at an all time high.
When I say hoes I am speaking of the men. Before you tell her please close your eyes and envision another man pounding her naked the way your heart beats inside your chest. If that image doesn’t bother you, proceed with the divorce. If the thought of your son’s calling another man “dad” “papi” “father” or “pops” doesn’t bother you then proceed with the divorce. If you honestly think this new woman is going to stay with you after 40% of your income is gone, proceed with the divorce. If your new woman would be happy with a justice of the peace wedding and a frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity on East 60th street and not a Hamptons wedding in peak season, proceed with the divorce. If you think you will be having the same type and frequency of sex with the new girl after the divorce, proceed.
Sometimes the most attractive thing about a man is that he is emotionally unavailable. That means we as women don’t have to expend ourselves or prepare for failure because your flaw is that you are already attached. In reality we don’t want you because you are a damned cheater. When you leave your situation you become unattractive because now we actually have to love you in this broken, raggedy state. We leave. In the words of the prophet Drake, “The moment I stop having fun with it I’ll be done with it”. Don’t be shocked because men do it too. They court a woman enough to leave her situation. Then they say they can’t be with her because they can’t trust her. That transition from side dude to main dude is treacherous. The same for your situation.
To answer your question, just tell her. If she digs her nails down the side of your face like a werewolf…that is a consequence. It is not o.k. but it can happen. Please tell me you that you communicated to her that you needed more sex and affection. I meet a lot of couples who are extremely unhappy and they literally never told their partner. Give your wife of 13 years the respect and opportunity to fix things. As a wife I never had the luxury of slacking. My ex husband was very handsome and made money. I kept myself up, sex all the time, birthed his only son and guess what? He still cheated. He is now on his 3rd divorce. So you see, sometimes you hoes are never happy. My ex husband and I are cool now. No animosity. That took a decade. He didn’t want the divorce, I did.
Recently I met a man that was married. This was in 2018. I told him to call me when he was divorced. He actually did. I was shocked. He never cheated on his wife. They were together their whole lives and just didn’t have the spark to keep them alive. In that moment as a divorcee I deemed it unfair for me to date him. I told him to sow his oats again and call me in 2022. It is very dangerous to jump from a marriage to a marriage. How about you go be a hoe for a while? Men also need to take a “hoe stroll”. I talk about this in my first book. Dating is important because you actually get to see what you like and what you don’t like.
Eddie Murphy had a very important analogy for sex. He said that if all you ever had was a saltine cracker, how would you know a Ritz? Especially if you were starving. You would think every cracker was a Ritz. Some men don’t cheat because they are unloved. Some men cheat because they were starving. Please discern that difference before you disrupt your home. If you are to tell her DO NOT throw this harlot in her face. I am only calling your beloved a harlot because it is polite. She should get used to that term if she actually marries you.
My philosophy is always to go where the love is. But my family is clear I should go where the money is. Money will not clear my anxiety if I marry a man I loved before he was divorced. Somewhere a lie was told. Whether you told me or her the lie it was still a lie. It is a matter of time before you become relationship fodder. There are relationships such as this that actually work out. The burden is in the mind of your new girlfriend. She will forever be concerned about anything you do. Ask my exes last wife. How you meet them is how you treat them. Go where the love is. I stand on that and I believe in that. I also believe that just because I went where love was, doesn’t mean that I don’t owe a karmic debt.