DEAR AUNTIE: I have been dealing with this man for 3 years. With the holiday’s coming I dread going to his mother and fathers house separately. It takes up the entire day. We never get to go see my family until after the fact or later in the evening when everyone has eaten. Then we are only there for a short period of time. This year I want to spend time at my parent’s house first. My family thinks he is abusing me or keeping me tucked away because I never see them anymore. He is not. He is just very specific about being there when his mother serves dinner and then going to his fathers for a drink or dessert. How do I go about telling him I would like to go to my parent’s house first this year?
Fredricka from Tallahassee
DEAR FREDRICKA: You are not alone in the struggle. With three major holidays coming, finding the time to see everyone is a chore sometimes. Perhaps alternating holidays would help. Let your parents know that they get to be with you guys the entire day with no interruption. If he insists on still dividing his day as such, you take your behind to your parent’s house solo. We just celebrated Dia de Los Muertos and in other cultures All Saints Day. We never know how long we have left with our family. In the future you two could host a holiday at your place and allow everyone to bring a dish. You would be surprised how many of our elders are tired of making such a big fuss and spread for the holidays.
Hopefully you can discuss this when you two get engaged or purchase a property together. For now it looks insane that you see your parents for way less time each holiday. I am sure they notice that too. Do you really want to look up and 6 years has gone by and you two part ways? Not that I wish that. I am looking at the fact that you didn’t get to see your family as much over a man that might be temporary. If your relationship is solid he won’t mind the suggestion. A lot of times our men lack the ability to put the shoe on the other foot. He really may not know this worries you because you never said anything. You also don’t want your parents to feel a way as the relationship progresses. If he gets upset at the suggestions you may need to reevaluate your relationship. It will only get worse from here. Even a small budge is a victory. Good luck. Family is family. If he intends on you being a part of his family he will understand and make an appropriate choice.
DEAR AUNTIE: Recently I started online dating. It was going pretty well. There was a connection I had with a man that lives over 500 miles away. We agreed that I could drive there so we could meet. I booked a hotel and took the trip. He showed up late. He didn’t look like the photos or how he did in the video chats. Maybe he used a filter. I only saw him for that one day. My trip was for 2 days like we agreed. I also haven’t heard from him since. My question is, can I sue him or do something to get my money back? It was a waste. I spent over $400 dollars for gas and the hotel for two days. We were supposed to do all these things once I got there. I just sat in the room waiting to hear from him. I am so angry. That’s why I want my money back.
DEAR UNKNOWN: The short answer is NO you cannot sue him. When a man wants to see you, he will. It sounds to me as if he had another life he forgot to tell you about. That’s typical for online dating. Some of them are socially immature and lack the balls to be able to approach women in public. So they stunt online. Unless you have emails or text where he specifically says,”I will pay for your trip” you will lose in court. Miss Maam or Sir, with all the technology out there to transfer money he likely didn’t have any. You knew that and offered to go there. Overzealous. One of the worst scents a human can wear is desperation. You now sound like a spoiled brat because things didn’t go as planned. Take your L and go. L is short for loss.
When he didn’t invite you to his home or try to stay with you that may have been because he deemed YOU unworthy. Either way a gentleman would have stood on his word, took you out and tried to give you some change for your pocket to get home. You didn’t require it. When I spend my money to go somewhere a man is not necessary to entertain me. I would have been out taking walks, seeing what that city or town is known for and sampling the area’s cuisine. It would have been a $400 vacation for me. If you didn’t have it to spend you should not have stretched yourself and went.
There are some cases where people meet halfway. There are cases where the man travels to see you and books his own accommodations. If things don’t work out there is no harm no foul. My hope is that you understand you did too much for a person you never met. If this was a long distance relationship I could see you making the trips and paying. Your relationship is established and ya’ll are both making efforts. This was not the case. We also can’t say he swindled you. This is all on you. Going forward if you are going to travel to see a man and spend money, make sure you have met before and were invited.
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