Ex-sex fiend

I’ve never been clinically diagnosed, but several of my ex’s have told me I’m a sex addict. It’s never bothered me until now. In fact, I’ve been having a great time—living like Charlie Sheen at a fraction of the cost.

A couple weeks back, a woman broke up with me. I don’t know what happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. I think she got tired of me breaking dates with her to go out with other women. Whatever, that’s not the point.

The point is I felt something. I don’t know whether it was regret, or loss, because I’ve never really felt anything like those emotions before.

Anyway, I decided to give up sex for Lent. I’m not religious, but the timing was right. It seemed like a good challenge, and Lent was right there.

Now I’m less than a week into it and the woman who broke up with me has started calling me back, leaving messages, and texting me all the time. Based on the weird feelings I had when she dumped me, I’m nervous that I won’t be able to help myself if I call her back. I’m afraid that one thing will lead to another, and we’ll wake up in the sack.

If that happens, it will be proof that I can’t even keep a vow to myself. God help me I’m weak. What should I do?

—Pilgrim

Shutterbug says: You may be feeling lonely and tortured in your struggle to abstain from sex for 40 days and 40 nights...but the good news is that someone out there has been in your shoes and has triumphed! I’m talking about Josh Hartnett’s character in the classic 2002 romantic comedy, 40 Days and 40 Nights. Watch it, take notes. Pay extra attention during the feather scene. And avoid your ex like the plague, especially if you fall in love with a manic pixie dream girl a la Shannyn Sossamon.

The Practical Cogitator says: Are you kidding me? Keep your ‘johnson’ in your shorts, and your ego in check. Oi veh, buddy. She broke up with you! That’s your problem. It wasn’t you who did the ditching, it was you that was ditched. Now you’ve made an oath to yourself and to GOD... and you think you can’t control yourself? I sure hope she’s reading this. Honey! Run for the hills! This guy is a major schmuck...out only for a _uck.

The Backroom Brawler says: Test yourself. Tell this woman the truth; that you gave up sex for Lent. Tell her that if she wishes to be with you, she’ll have to wait until Jesus’ resurrection before you can do the deed again.

This will test your self-control, but also test your true feelings for her. If after Lent you still want to be with her and she still wants to be with you, despite the lack of sex, then maybe you’ve found “the one.”

I love a parade

I just got done whooping it up at the Mardi Gras parade and festivities last week. Had a hard time making it through work the next day. Now, St. Patrick’s Day is upon us. I’ll have a few beers with my Irish friends on Thursday. Then, Saturday is the Old Neighborhood Parade in South Buffalo—which is one of the most fun spectacles in the city, if you ask me. It’ll be tough not to get myself over-served once I make it into a bar and start hearing that Irish music. Then, Sunday, the parade down Delaware Avenue, and the ensuing bar hopping.

It’s been a wickedly cold winter. Now, spring is in the air. I have this feeling that if the weather predictions hold, and it’s mild and sunny on the weekend, people are going to go absolutely nuts. I am not going to stay home and read a book. I love big crowds of Buffalonians, and I’ve waited all winter to be out among them, celebrating.

Granted, I should have seen this coming. But my problem is that I didn’t request Monday off from work. Now it’s too late to put in a request through HR.

So what kind of excuse do I tell my boss on Monday morning that isn’t going to sound like a complete lie?

—Paddy O’Lately

The Straight Skinny: 1. I am in an all-day rehearsal for the Dyngus Day parade on Monday.

2. I am actually a lepruchuan, and if you will let me off, I will give you a pot of gold.

3. I am on fire.

Strictly Classified says: Maybe you could say you were watching the parade and twisted your ankle in one of the many potholes that dot our streets this time of year. You could even locate a pothole and repost it to the city by way of city hall’s 311 line, and you’ll have documented “proof”.

Ask Anyone is local advice for locals with problems. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.