A man I’m dating who said he is tired of being alone wants a more serious (exclusive) relationship with me but is having difficulty disconnecting from a couple of exes who, he says, are only friends.
I’m okay with “friendly,” however, what about ex-lovers calling my boyfriend for dinner dates or events because they live in the suburbs or don’t have men of their own to escort them? I call that lazy and unrealistic.
One wants to help him decorate his apartment! He says he wants to keep things peaceful and not hurt feelings since they go back a decade or two. (Maybe that’s why he hasn’t had something significant with someone new?!)
Besides the Big Ugh Ultimatum, what can a wonderful woman say to the gander with a gaggle of geese?
—Honking at Hapless Harry
The Practical Cogitator says: So let’s say that you get this potential Big Fish to drop all his exes. That means you get…a boyfriend who wishes he could have kept his old friends? A husband who won’t ever leave you alone because you’re the only friend he has left? A silently sad and secretly bitter fiancee who is just waiting to score a win over his controlling betrothed?
If you want someone who doesn’t like his exes, I’m afraid you’ll have to go get one.
The Sales Guy says: One of the collateral effects of dating for decades which entail a lot of short-term relationships is…you collect “friends.”
Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you; personally I consider myself a very diplomatic breaker-upper, and that quality leaves you with many cordial former dates/friends/fuck buddies who continue to play a part in your life. If I start to date someone seriously, they tend to appear in the picture less often if not at all. And it works both ways: When they start to see someone, they disappear, which is no surprise to me as well.
What you have to figure out is who are the friends and who are the clinging fuck buddies. The FBs are the issue and the threat to your relationship when it’s time to get serious. He needs to come clean about what’s what and who’s who. He needs to let the sexual friend or friends know he’s in a relationship and it’s done.
As for the actual friends, be cognizant that if you press to hard on that point and he feels like you’re asking him to lose his long-time friends, you might be the one that’s done.
Strictly Classified says: I have cordial relationships with my ex-boyfriends, but I don’t attend weddings with them or decorate their homes. I feel that once romantic relationship has ended, one needs to move on…
Dining Out says: If I were you, I’d play confident Cupid and offer to coordinate a happy hour mixer for all of your bf’s lonely ex-lovers. Tell your boyfriend you’ll supply the eligible bachelors and even book the venue. Also ask your boyfriend for his exes’ contact info so you can organize the mixer through Facebook or another social network. If he flat-out rejects your idea and refuses to give you his exes’ contact info, then you may have reason to believe he has romantic feelings for some of them.
Bank on It says: I’m friends with most of my exes. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I don’t think I’d want an ex to escort me to a wedding. That would be weird. We’d be drinking and then the ex would realize that he/she was still wildly in love with me. (Who are they kidding—why else would they ask me to accompany them?) And if I inadvertently slept with him/her, that would be even worse. They do tend to cling.
Who cares if he’s friends with his exes? But it seems weird that they’re still so attached. It makes me suspicious. I wouldn’t bother being exclusive with this guy. Bang him for a while and then move on to someone more interesting. Good luck!
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