Lent is coming!

I’m looking forward to AV’s big annual Mardi Gras bash, as I do every year. But considering the way I feel Wednesday morning every time I go, I think you all owe me a little help. First, what are some good excuses for coming into work late, or not at all, on Wednesday morning. Second, what are the best cures for a hurricane hangover?

—Party Planner

The Omniscient One says: The cure for your hangover is easy: when someone says, “Good morning,” say, “Shut up.” You’ll feel much better. When you come in on Wednesday morning and the boss says, “You’re late,” you also say, “Shut up.” The boss will think something really profound must be going on in your life and leave you alone.

Smart Money says: Just tell them you’re paying homage to the porcelain god. They don’t need to know why. However, if you don’t want the hangover, try having a little self-control. Let me know how that goes as I’ve never tried.

The Practical Cogitator says: Well, the festivities begin at 5pm with the Fat Tuesday Parade. So, if you start early, you can get your Mardi on and still get home at a reasonable hour. But, if you’re a late-night reveler, you may as well just take the day off. Use a personal day, or call in sick, and enjoy a relaxing Wednesday. Revel in your own hangover and have a Netflix marathon.

Hangover cures: A. Mimosa (start all over again). B. Alka Setzer, and go in to work at noon. You’ll get extra points for making the effort.

Aberrant in Allentown says: If you don’t mind going to hell—recall, the Wednesday after Mardi Gras is Ash Wednesday. Hang onto a cigarette butt from the night before and draw a cross on your forehead with it the morning (afternoon) before heading in to work. Then simply apologize for running late, as in “There was a big line at church!”

For your second question, the best cure for a hangover of any variety is a bloody mary. The easiest way to prevent a hangover is to simply remain drunk. Good luck!

The Designing Woman says: A good excuse for not coming in would be finishing all your work on Tuesday. I’m sure the art department, especially a certain graphic designer who doesn’t have the option to opt out of Nietzsche’s Mardi Gras, would certainly appreciate a low-stress/shorter production day.

A good hangover cure is pizza or bagels in the office on Wednesday.

Strictly Classified says: Sex (partner optional), a shower, and a light breakfast. Follow with a pot of coffee.

The Hot Seat says: Here’s your excuse: “I went out for an early dinner with my wife before heading over to the Give for Greatness fundraiser at Nietzsche’s. I had two glasses of wine. We were excited, because our daughter was singing with the world-famous Steam Donkeys. She did great, and it was a wonderful night. Well, as we were getting ready to leave, I overheard two local businessmen in a heated conversation. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved. But it was Mardi Gras, and I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help keep the good times rolling. I stepped in and introduced myself. Then, one of the guys punches me in the ribs and says, “You’ve never done [blank] for the arts!” Then, a security guard grabs me as I’m getting cold-cocked on the side of the head. I look over, and two drag queens are slamming my wife’s head into the floor. I may have said a few words in the heat of the moment, I don’t recall. I may have pushed the guy. I did the same thing any husband would’ve done in the same situation, and I would do it again if the same thing were to happen again. She had x-rays, and only has a minor concussion, thank God. The main thing is she’s going to be all right, and I don’t know if we’ll be pressing charges. But I won’t be making it in to work today, because I have a number of loose ends to tie up here.”

Hangover cure? Try telling this story while you’re staring into the glare of several TV cameras in your dining room on Wednesday morning.

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