AN OFFER YOU MIGHT REFUSE

My partner and I received an invitation to the wedding of his cousin. This cousin’s parents are fighting a long-standing feud with various other factions in my partner’s large and chaotic family, so we were not surprised that the invitation came with a note explaining that several aunts and uncles and one set of grandparents were not going to be invited to the wedding. “We know this is awkward,” the note concluded, “so we would understand if you didn’t want to come.” How do we respond to an invitation like that? Do we owe them a present? —Unwanted Guest

The Gay Perspective: I never attend heterosexual weddings, just on principle, but I would certainly consider making an exception in this case. A blender or a toaster would, obviously, make a nice gift, or a gnome or other appropriate lawn ornament for their suburban home. Also, you and your “partner,” whom I assume to be a same-sex partner, based on your mutual cluelessness about how to handle this tacky situation, should definitely indulge in public displays of affection at the event. Be conspicuously cheerful and compliment everyone on their appearance. You owe it to those not invited to give a full report. Also, be sure to have a video camera at the ready for when the the guests are invited to object now or forever hold their piece. Who knows what might ensue!

The Straight Dope: What is your partner’s relationship to the cousin? If he and the cousin are very close and it would be important to the new groom that your partner be in attendance, then yes, your partner should attend the wedding to see his cousin through this rite of passage. Clearly, your partner has been listed as one of the important invitees, as you have been privy to the list of “cuts.”

If your partner and the cousin are not close, and you were only invited so that your partner’s side of the family could see the “exclusionary note,” then may I recommend the gift you send be plastic segmented serving plates suitable for small children, as this is exactly how they are behaving.

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more wedded bliss

A year ago a couple I know got engaged, then broke it off and broke up—a bad breakup. A few months later they were back together and the guy told me the girl was pressing that wedding ring again. “I guess it’s time,” he told me. “Might as well, right?” Remembering how bad things had gone last year, I told him if he had any doubts at all he shouldn’t marry her. But last week I got the wedding invitation in the mail. I think he’s making a mistake and that his heart’s not in it., but he’s a close friend. Should I say anyhting further to him? Should I go to the wedding? If I don’t, do I have to send a gift? —Cassandra

The Gay Perspective: Good God, these people are tedious. They are among the top 10 reasons I do not attend heterosexual weddings. Their main motivation for getting married is obviously monetary. No gift for them. In fact, I’d stop taking their calls.

The Straight Dope: You might as well go, right? Your good friend, would be able to throw a good party, right? Enjoy the open bar.

You have a full year in which to send a gift, so, mark your calendar, and if look like they’re going to celebrate their one year anniversary, then you’d better get shopping.

The Sales Guy: Sounds like a big black cloud is over your friend’s nuptials. You should as tactfully as possible remind him that this is not a health club membership. If he goes ahead with it, your gift should reflect this position. How about a check postdated for one year from the wedding date? It would be something of an incentive program.

The Gadget Guy says: Sure, and next week we’ll have to deal with this one:

“O Highly Exalted Panel of Experts:

“When I got married, some asshole told me it would never last and then gave me a check postdated a year in advance. Should I punch him in the teeth or the genitals?”

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. If you have a question for our panel of experts, please send it along to advice@artvoice.com.