part-time lover

In the summertime, I often work from home, usually sitting on my front porch in nice weather. I find I get lots done in that laid-back environment, often finishing in half a day what might take all day at the office, where I’m distracted by questions and phone calls, etc. Am I justified in taking off the rest of the day once I’ve done a day’s worth of work? Can I close the laptop and open a bottle of wine?

—Glass Half Full

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: I guess it all boils down to what you call “a day’s worth of work.” I remember back when I was working three full-time jobs at the same time. Nine to five at the paper mill, grinding pulp. Then eight until four am at the metal shop, bending parts for Harley Davidson motorcycles and grinding the burrs off in a shower of sparks. On weekends, I was the security man/groundskeeper at a converted mansion that served as the office of a prestigious psychiatrist.

I was exhausted, practically living hand to mouth. One Saturday, the psychiatrist came in to pick up his windbreaker, which he’d left in his office closet. He asked me why I looked so tired. I told him I hadn’t taken a day off from working in two years. He said I should be more like him. For example, he said, he’d cancelled all his appointments for the next week and was planning on spending the time smoking weed with some friends on Martha’s Vineyard to relax.

“That would be nice,” I said, “but I’m not a psychiatrist.”

“Neither is Dr. Phil,” he said. With that, he turned on his heel, telling me to give his plants some extra water Sunday night before I left.

I spent the rest of the weekend giving imaginary advice to invisible patients on his leather couch. Monday morning, I scraped up all my savings and put a down-payment on a quarter column ad in the local yellow pages under PHYSICIANS-PSYCHIATRY. The rest, as they say, is history.

Now I work when I want, as long as I want, and the pay is great. Plus all the women you meet! I’d love to tell you, but it would be a violation of patient privilege. And even though I’m not a doctor, I at least have the scruples to consider my clients patients.

The Practical Cogitator says: If you’re good for an afternoon, why not take the whole day off? Or, heck—the whole week? Soon you’ll be so ahead of yourself you won’t even need to work anymore—and I bet your boss will agree. Then you can skip the wine, and go ahead and open a bottle of Kessler’s, instead.

The Straight Skinny: I think what my two colleagues are trying to say is: No. Presumably, answering questions and phone calls is part of your job. When you work at home, you’re ducking that responsibility and others, with your boss’s blessing, so that you might concentrate on another aspect of your job for a spell. Consequently, you should get more work done. Not get drunk.

green with envy

I voted for Hillary. My partner voted for Obama. Today she’s gloating, and I’m thinking of going to work for Ralph Nader. She’ll think it’s because I’m a sore loser, and maybe I am. Why do American politics insist on ruining every fourth summer?

—Third Party

The Practical Cogitator says: Your partner is a jackass, and maybe you are too. Why’s she gloating? And why are you so glum? And are you working for Ralph Nader because he’s great—which he is—or to get back at your girlfriend?

We had some great candidates to choose from, and now we’ve chosen; we have a great nominee, and it’s time for you two to get to work. If you think the stakes were high in the primaries, wait until we’re looking at the very real possibility of John McCain in the White House.

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