Sun Screens

Practically everything rolling out of Hollywood this summer comes so pre-sold that for 90 percent of these films all you need to hear is the title to know what it’s about and whether or not you want to see it. Still, just for the record, here’s what will be lurking in wait to you should you let someone lead you to the multiplex blindfolded and kick you into a random auditorium.

JUNE 13:

THE INCREDIBLE HULK—Officially this is a sequel, but with Edward Norton (who wanted the role in the first movie) onboard as Bruce Banner and the less ambitious Louis Leterrier (The Transporter) behind the camera in place of arthouse auteur Ang Lee, think of it as a new beginning for an inevitable series. Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, and William Hurt star, with a cameo by Lou Ferrigno.

THE HAPPENING—Presumably chastened after his ego-ridden flop Lady in the Water, M. Night Shyamalan returns to more familiar ground with a story about the last survivors of a disaster that wipes out most of mankind—and may still get them. Starring Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, Betty Buckley, and John Leguizamo.

JUNE 20:

GET SMART—If you remember the middle 1960s sitcom parody of James Bond movies, your first thought will be, They could never replace Don Adams! Wisely star Steve Carell doesn’t try to in a film that strikes a balance between nostalgia buffs and younger audiences who just want to see the funny. Peter Segal (50 First Dates) directs a cast that includes Anne Hathaway, Alan Arkin, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Terence Stamp, and a lot of Second City-trained actors.

THE LOVE GURU—In which Mike Meyers combines his admiration for Deepak Chopra, his ingrained Canadian love of hockey, and his need for a new series character (now that both Austin Powers and Shrek are apparently played out). With Jessica Alba, Romany Malco, Ben Kingsley, and Justin Timberlake. Directed by Marco Schnabel, whose previous experience as a second unit director (on Goldmember) suggests a movie with someone other than the director calling the shots. Hmm, I wonder who that might be…

KIT KITTREDGE: AN AMERICAN GIRL—A movie based on a line of dolls. Apparently Bratz: The Movie made money after all. In all fairness this one has some impressive talent involved: The director is Patricia Rozema (Mansfield Park), and the cast includes Abigail Breslin, Joan Cusack, Julia Ormond, Chris O’Donnell, Stanley Tucci, and Jane Krakowski.

JUNE 27:

WALL·E—The new Pixar movie hits theaters just in time to go to DVD for Christmas. Directed by Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo).

WANTED—Russian filmmaker Timur Bekmambetov, whose sci-fi fantasy spectaculars Night Watch and Day Watch would have been big hits if the American distributor hadn’t done such a halfhearted job of marketing them, makes his American debut with a comic book-inspired thriller about a young man (James McAvoy) recruited to join the elite organization of assassins that employed his late father. With Morgan Freeman, Terence Stamp, and Angelina Jolie.

JULY 4:

HANCOCK—If you’re tired of superheroes already, maybe you’ll take to this parody starring Will Smith as a surly superhero who hires a PR consultant to clean up his image. And if not, well, the summer’s only half over. Co-starring Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman. Directed by Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights).

JULY 11:

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY—And if you’re not tired of comic book heroes, you’re probably counting the days for this sequel with stars Ron Perlman and Doug Jones and director Guillermo del Toro back on board. Jeffrey Tambor, Selma Blair and John Hurt co-star.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH—Remember when Brendan Fraser was in every third movie, and then kinda disappeared? Well, he’s back with a vengeance. His first movie of the summer is this adaptation of the Jules Verne classic in which the plot has reportedly been downplayed to leave room for lots of 3-D effects. Directed by Eric Brevig.

MEET DAVE—Science fiction comedy starring Eddie Murphy as a spaceship. No, that’s not a typo, not even the part about combining sci-fi with Eddie Murphy, despite the monumental stinkbomb that was Pluto Nash. Elizabeth Banks co-stars. Directed by Brian Robbins.

JULY 18:

THE DARK KNIGHT—This’ll mess audiences up: a sequel with an entirely different title! I suspect Batman fans will find it nonetheless, and count on the ghoulish interest of seeing Heath Ledger in his last completed film (though he’s rumored to be terrific as the Joker.) With Christian Bale, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Aaron Eckhart, and Gary Oldman. Directed by Christopher Nolan (Memento).

MAMMA MIA!—Or, ABBA The Musical The Movie. If ever a movie seemed more suited for a Christmas release (you know, that season when you need to find a movie that Mom and Grandma and the kids can all agree to sit through), this is it. The prospect of Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep duetting on “S.O.S.” must strike terror into the hearts of James Bond cultists who still remember Timothy Dalton and Mae West groaning “Love Will Keep Us Together” at each other in 1976’s Sextette. (You think I make this stuff up? Go rent it and see for yourself, if you dare.) With Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgård, Christine Baranski, Julie Walters, and Amanda Seyfried. Directed by Phyllida Lloyd

SPACE CHIMPS—Animated movie with the summer’s most self-explanatory title. Clearly the studio has no hope for the box office success of any film that it decides to open on the same weekend as The Dark Knight, but I guess it pays to have something in theaters for kids who can’t get into an R film and can’t be persuaded to sit through Meryl Streep warbling “Waterloo.” Voices of Andy Samberg, Stanley Tucci, Jeff Daniels, and Patrick Warburton. Directed by Kirk De Micco.

JULY 25:

STEP BROTHERS—The premise doesn’t sound like much—Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as men undergoing sibling rivalry when their single parents (Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins) get married. But it was produced by Judd Apatow, so you never know. Directed by Adam McKay (Anchorman).

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE—The plot is being kept secret, but I don’t see how it can matter—either the cult TV hit of the 1990s still has an audience or it doesn’t. Still, Chris Carter is just asking for snarky reviews with that title. Starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, of course, with Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet, and Xzibit.

THE LONGSHOTS—Look, I’m not saying there’s no room in the marketplace for a movie directed by Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst and starring one-time rapper Ice Cube. But when you try to tell me the project is an inspirational, family-oriented sports comedy, featuring the young star of Akkelah and the Bee, all I can say is, “Bloooor?”

AUGUST 1:

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR—The third or fourth time at the well for this franchise (depending on whether you count the spin-off The Scorpion King) replaces co-star Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello and director Stephen Sommers with Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious). That’s the bad news. The good news is that Asian superstars Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, and Anthony Wong are in it. Oh yeah, and Brendan Fraser, too.

THE ROCKER—The Office’s Rainn Wilson as a one-time drummer who hopes to regain the fame he almost had before he was kicked of a 1980s metal band by weaseling his way into his nephew’s high school band. Reasons to be hopeful: The writers worked on The Larry Saunders Show and The Simpsons, and director Peter Cattaneo helmed The Full Monty. With Emma Bloom, Christina Applegate, Jane Lynch, and Jeff Garlin.

SWING VOTE—Kevin Costner as a small-town loser who, through a chain of events I wouldn’t synopsize even if I could, becomes the swing vote on whom the outcome of the entire presidential election rests. Only the Disney studio—that font of hard-hitting political satire—could be so tone-deaf as to release a movie like this a few weeks before the Democratic National Convention. Co-starring Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammer, Stanley Tucci, George Lopez, Judge Reinhold, Nathan Lane, and Mare Winningham. Directed by Joshua Michael Stern.

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN—A great title for a gay porn video, but instead this is a new horror thriller from the pen of Clive Barker. Bradley Cooper stars as a Manhatan photographer on the trail of a subway-stalking serial killer (Vinnie Jones). With Leslie Bibb and Brooke Shields. Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura (Godzilla: Final Wars).

AUGUST 8:

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS—Seth Rogan and James Franco, who started their careers as co-stars of the Judd Apatow TV series Freaks and Geeks, reunite in an Apatow-scripted comedy as a stoner and his dealer on the run after witnessing a murder. If you think it’s weird that this was directed by arthouse darling David Gordon Green (George Washington), consider this: For his next project he wants to direct a remake of Dario Argento’s horror classic Suspiria.

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2—If you’re in the market for this sequel, you don’t need me to tell you what it’s about. Starring Alexis Bledel, America Ferrera, Blake Lively, Amber Tamblyn. Directed by Sanaa Hamri (Something New).

AUGUST 15:

TROPIC THUNDER—Ben Stiller directed and stars in this comedy about actors shooting a war film on location who are forced to become the characters they are playing. Wasn’t that the plot of The Three Amigos? Reputedly the most expensive comedy ever made, the cast includes Jack Black, Bill Heder, Nick Nolte, and, in a blackface role that is already generating a lot of controversy, Robert Downey, Jr.

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS—Animated sequel, or maybe you’d have to call it an inbetweenquel, given that the story takes place somewhere in the middle of Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. With the voices of Samuel L. Jackson, Matt Lanter, and Corey Burton. The director is Dave Filoni, but George Lucas has the jawdropping writing credit for “characters and universe.”

AUGUST 22:

WILD CHILD—A spoiled LA princess (Emma Roberts) is sent to a British boarding school to learn to behave. It sounds like a lot of late-night cable movies from the 1980s, but it’s actually a teen comedy. With Natasha Richardson, Shirley Henderson, and Aidan Quinn. The directorial debut of former film editor Nick Moore.

DEATH RACE— Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Ian McShane, and Joan Allen in a remake of Roger Corman’s ultimate drive-in classic about a cross-country road race in which the drivers get points for running over spectators. The good news is that it’s directed by the poor man’s Michael Bay, Paul W.S. Anderson, (Resident Evil, Event Horizon, Alien vs. Predator). The bad news: It’s from the writer of Pretty Woman. I swear I’m not kidding.

THE HOUSE BUNNY—The screenwriters of Legally Blonde and Ella Enchanted wrote this comedy about a banished Playboy bunny (Anna Faris) who becomes the house mother of a sorority of seven socially inept college students. Which is to say they fed those other two scripts into a word processor that spat out this, at least from the sounds of it. Just in case you’re actually considering seeing it, let me point out that it comes from Adam Sandler’s production company and was directed by former Saturday Night Live head writer Fred Wolf. You’re on your own.

AUGUST 29:

BABYLON A.D.—Scheduled to hit theaters a year after it had to be bailed out by its insurance company because it ran so far over budget, Vin Diesel’s comeback looks less promising than Brendan Fraser’s. This futuristic adventure pits the bald one as a mercenary hired to escort a woman (Michelle Yeoh) from Russia to China, not knowing that she holds the secret to a cult’s genetically designed messiah. With Mélanie Thierry, Gérard Depardieu, and Charlotte Rampling. Directed by Mathieu Kassovitz (Hate).

COLLEGE—Will the world ever tire of Animal House ripoffs? Of course—we’ve been tired of them for 30 years. But they keep making them anyway. This one features a cast of kids from TV shows aimed at audiences too young to get into R-rated movies and was directed by Deb Hagan, whose previous credit is a short called “Pee Shy.”